The Real Meaning of Jesus’s Teachings Lost in Translation?

This is a bit of a different kind of post than I usually write, but I hope you enjoy it, none-the-less. Through this less busy time with the “stay-at-home” order due to covid-19, I have been able to dig more deeply into some of my interests and also found some new ones, too.  For about the past 6 months, I have been reading the books “Life and Teaching of the Masters of the Far East” by Baird T. Spalding.  There are 6 volumes.  I am only on Volume 4 because I read the volume, and then re-read it and take notes, really studying it and working to implement the teachings in my life.  Whether or not the author (Mr. Spaulding) really took a physical trip to the Far East or if he took an internal journey, I am not here to argue that, but the messages he offers are core teachings of Jesus (Yeshua ben Yosef) and the Masters, who were able to defy “physical laws”.  

By reading the following sentence in Vol 4 of the book (page 98), it lead me to investigate the Aramaic translation of the “Lord’s Prayer”: “There is inner meaning in the Lord’s Prayer which cannot be given out expect privately and orally.  If man understood the meaning, he would be in the Kingdom of Heaven.”  This quote from “The Life and Teaching of the Masters of the Far East – Vol 4” was written in 1948 and I believe that the times and energy have shifted so that the true meaning is available to all people now, not just for people who receive the message privately and orally from a Master.

In my search to understand what that means, (hello Google!), I looked up the Aramaic translation of “The Lord’s Prayer”.   The English version, which was translated from the Greek version and the Greek which was translated from Aramaic, had lost some of its real meaning in translation. Not even the Greek version was totally correct and then taking an English translation from an incorrect translation made it even more distorted.  “The Lord’s Prayer” came from the answer Jesus gave when his disciples ask him “Lord, teach us how to pray.”  “The Lord’s Prayer” is in the bible only twice in Luke 11:1-4 and Matthew 6:5-15.  (different verses in different versions of the bible).  

Here is the version of the Lord’s Prayer in Aramaic and then translated by Dr. Rocco Errico, a scholar in Aramaic:  I encourage you to listen to the words in the original Aramaic on the left-hand side.  Below in BOLD is Dr. Errico’s Aramaic to English translation and the comments in (parentheses and italics) are mine based on my understanding from my study of the “Life and Teaching of the Masters of the Far East” and other comments Dr. Rocco Errico has made. 

Krisanne’s comments in ( ).

Our Father who is everywhere  (or Beloved/God/Creator/Divine energy which is everywhere. Everywhere means all encompassing….earth, plants, people, planets, dirt, houses, food, YOU!…there is no place God is not, which means you, too.)

Your name is sacred  (Everything is sacred, everything is Father/Beloved/God/Creator/Divine energy.)

Your kingdom is come (Notice present tense:  IS come, is here now!  Kingdom is the state of privilege that is yours as one of the “created” right now.  The Kingdom is realization of oneness with the Whole and you are one with the Whole.  The Kingdom is available now if your mental beliefs will allow it to be…easier said than done, by the way.

Your will is throughout the earth (All created on Earth is available to allow the will of God/Creator/Divine to flow through it. We also have a choice not to, which causes our suffering, BUT the Divine Blueprint [God’s will] IS here on Earth if we surrender, open and allow it to direct and guide us. This is not saying we don’t have free will. We do.)

Even as it is throughout the universe (The Divine blueprint [God’s will] flows all through the Universe..or this could be another meaning for “As above. So below”.)

You give us our needful bread from day to day, (The Universe [God] provides what we need every day in full and loving abundance as we need it….no hoarding necessary. Share the toilet paper.)

And you forgive us our offenses (The Divine doesn’t even see our errors/mistakes.)

Even as we forgive our offenders (We don’t give attention or judgement to others’ mistakes or errors, and without attention, the mistake or error has no power over us and through our forgiveness, we are set free. We are one with the Creator and take on its attributes.)

And you let us not enter into materialism (One with God, we do not enter into separation thoughts or being “of the world” and do not value what the false ego thinks is important.)

But you separate us from error  (God only sees us as perfection, because it created us in its image, which is perfection and it can ONLY create perfection. The “error” is false thinking and beliefs, which God does not recognize.)

Because yours are the kingdom, the power and the song and praise. (As we are one with the kingdom (and with God), we have the power of the kingdom, the song and praise of the kingdom, which is gratitude and appreciation.)

From all ages, throughout all ages. (Always has been and will be, eternally.)

(Sealed) in faith, trust and truth. (Knowing and trusting the Truth is real and Truth cannot change.)

ANOTHER VERSION: Here is another version of the Lord’s Prayer translated from Aramaic directly to English which I also found interesting:  (From the Catholic Forum)

ARAMAIC “LORDS PRAYER” IN SONG: I found this beautiful song in Aramaic of the “Lord’s Prayer” which was what Jesus said to his disciples when asked “How to Pray”. .  If you stop and listen with  your heart, it is very touching.

EXPLANATION OF HOW AND WHY ERRORS WERE MADE IN TRANSLATION: As I was researching and digging more into the Aramaic translations, I also wanted to share this 28 minute video which explains how “errors” in translation were made from going from Aramaic to Greek to English and by the misunderstanding of idioms, etc.  It is a video by Aramaic scholar, Dr. Rocco Errico:  This will put some context to what I shared above.


All of this excited me so much because it felt so true to me. What else was out there on this topic? I found this teaching about just two of the “Beatitudes”. The “Beatitudes” were given by Jesus to the crowd gathered to hear him speak. That speech became know as the “Sermon on the Mount”, where Jesus instructed the crowd in ways of BEING. These ways of BEING, were later named “The Beatitudes”. In this video, Dr. Rocco Errico shares the Aramaic translations for two of the “Beatitudes” and how he views the true meaning of what Jesus meant. (48 minutes):  I also included my own interpretation and the meaning I understood in the commentary below, if you don’t want to watch the video.

  • MISTRANSLATED BEATITUDE #1: “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven”. (20:00 min in video).  Perhaps a more accurate meaning of what Jesus really meant is explained below (if translated accurately from Aramaic).  
  • BEATITUDE #1 MEANING TRANSLATED FROM ARAMAIC: “Blissful are you who are not judgmental, for the consciousness of harmony, joy and understanding belongs to you.” This is actually my translation, but the translation Dr. Errico gives is described below and I extrapolated what that meant to me, as the words “the counselship of the Heavens” was not that meaningful to me.

    From Dr. Errico’s video: “Blissful are they who are non-judgmental (non-critical), non-arrogant and not overly proud (not full of themselves), for theirs is the counselship of the Heavens.” 

    In other words they are “poor in judgmental-ness, poor in pride, poor in arrogance”, (26:15 mins). Heaven is a euphemistic term which means God, but we made it into a place outside of us, a destination that if we are “good” we go to after we die, but Heaven is not a place, it is a condition of consciousness of harmony, of joy, of understanding, which IS God.  This (Heaven=harmony, joy, blissfulness) belongs to you.   However, you can block your perception of the harmony, joy and understanding if you are judgmental, critical, arrogant, proud or “full of yourself”.   The choice is really yours.  That translation transmits a totally different understanding than “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven”, which I translate as “think of it as a privilege if you are poor in vital energy, then you will get to heaven when you die (somewhere “out there”).” 

The next Beatitude Dr. Errico discusses (with much more brevity) in which the English translation may not accurately convey the real meaning is:  

  • MISTRANSLATED BEATITUDE #2: “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.” 

    The second part “for they will see God” is interpreted as the future tense….they WILL see God (in the future).  It is actually present tense.  They see God (now).  Here is a more accurate translation:
  • BEATITUDE #2 MEANING TRANSLATED FROM ARAMAIC: “Blissful are they who are pure/clear in heart and mind (emotions and thoughts, in your whole being) for they perceive pure existence (God – now and continually)”. 

    Ĕlāhā, or Alaha in Aramaic = God, which is not a person.  God in Aramic means “the Great Self Existence” and is why you cannot die.  You are one with the Great Existence, eternal.   You are Being-ness, inseparable from God or the Great Existence.  How I understood the initial English translation is this, “If you have a pure heart, you will be rewarded someday when you can then see God.  If you heart is not pure, well, then you know….off to hell you go.” 

My feeling is that the teaching of hell has probably just caused people to feel guilty.  I do not believe hell is a place you go after you die if you are “bad”.  People are going to do what they do because of what is in their heart (sometimes that is making mistakes or errors or perceiving limitation) and if their heart and mind is not pure (or is clouded with false beliefs/thoughts about themselves or others and of limitations), then they won’t be able to perceive their pure existence (God), their whole being-ness, and that is a self-made, self-inflicted “hell”, right here, right now.

Personally, I have not resonated with the classical teachings of a wrathful, judgmental God and often things taught in church did not make any sense to me.  How could a loving God be that?  I did not understand why a person should be “poor in spirit” when Spirit was God? Or why God would condemn a person to hell for mistakes? Or why a loving God gave you one short life to get it right?  None of it made sense, but it makes more sense if we take the TRUE meaning of Jesus’s words, not the incorrect translation. 

Hell is just a mental state of mind that we put ourselves in.  Sin means to separate or divide and occurs when we see ourselves as separate from God.  Sin is every thought and feeling that is out of harmony with the purpose of Life. This simply makes sin an error or mistake, which makes us see ourselves as separate, which we are not.  We only perceive ourselves as separate and that perception is “sin” or limitation.

Maybe some of you don’t agree with what I shared above.  Take what resonates with you and leave what doesn’t.  Each has to find his/her own way and it is the responsibility of each one of us to shift our own consciousness and no one can “save” you.  We have great Masters who have walked before us easing our way because once something has been done, it is available to all beings in the “Field” and is easier, BUT we are all ultimately responsible for “saving” ourselves.   Yes, we have God’s grace, but we need to allow that in by opening up our heart.  We each individually need to  do the work.  Death won’t liberate us.  We carry our level of consciousness with us when we transition to spirit form (with no body).  There is no “escape.” WE. HAVE. TO. DO. THE. WORK.   

Dr. Rocco Ericco’s quote feels true, “We buried Jesus under dogma, doctrine, belief systems, ritualism… buried him deep, deep and now we are digging him out and bringing out the true Jesus and his teachings.”

I have not read any of Rocco Ericco’s translated books of the bible, but after this exploration, I would like to.  I would guess that his books would actually meld nicely with the teachings in “Life and Teaching of the Masters of the Far East”.  If anyone would like to join me in this study, let me know what book would interest you and I will gladly start with that one and discuss it with you (or a group).  He translated various books of the bible from Aramaic to English directly and here is the list:

I hope you are all enjoying the slower pace of the “stay-at-home” life. I know I am finding out all kinds of things about myself and have been able to appreciate all that I have, my family, my life and even my “defects” more. Sending a huge hug to you.

Balance, Opportunity, Surrender and Power

Today is the Spring Equinox.  It is a powerful day to focus on balance, as the light of day and dark of night are balanced.  Balance is much needed in our world right now.  Take a deep breath.  Release.  Take another deep breath and repeat out loud or in your heart, “My body, mind and heart are balanced.”  Do this until you feel some calm throughout your body.  The balance of light and dark brings a calm.  It is the center point.  It is the middle path.  If you sway too far to one side or the other, the opposite will swing you back like a pendulum to the other side until you can, with your awareness, bring your body, mind and heart back into balance.

I have not written on this blog for over a year, not because things have not been happening, but because I did not feel inspired to write.  I need inspiration to share.  This worldwide connection, or as some call “pandemic” has inspired me once again.  I personally feel a bubbling excitement and optimism, despite the fear and panic that is in the air (and yes, as an empath, I feel that too).

I see what is going on in the world right now as a huge opportunity and I feel very optimistic about what the outcomes will be, but it will take all of us to utilize the opportunity to change.

First let’s look at just some of the opportunities we can take from this:

  1. We are all connected. We are not separate from each other.  We are interconnected in such a way on the earth that if one country has an epidemic, it can quickly become a global pandemic.  Trade/supply chains are affected.  Travel is affected.  With our advances in technology, information sharing, education, etc. there is no way we can go back to each country “standing on its own”.  Closing borders is not going to change the fact that we are one body and one community, belonging to Mother Earth.  We are all the same and we all have the same untapped abilities, despite different races, cultures, ethnicities and beliefs.   This pandemic is showing us our interconnectedness and is giving everyone the opportunity to reach out and care for others via the internet, phone calls, etc.  I have seen more people “coming together” to help each other than I have seen since September 11th, 2001 (911).
  2. As a society we have been so busy “doing” and distracting ourselves from what is really important.  Now we have time to go internal and to look inside ourselves and see what is there.  Some are not going to like what they find, but it needs to be looked at and brought up to the surface to be acknowledged and healed.
  3. As we go internal, we will also find incredible creativity and new solutions. That surge in creativity and solutions will take us to the next step in creating a new world as this whole situation calms down.
  4. We get more time with our families. Maybe all that time running around being “busy” has taken a toll on family time.
  5. You now have time to read a book, take better care of your body or do things that you never had time to do before (or never made time to do…our priorities determine our how our time is spent).
  6. If you are out of work and you did not enjoy your work, you can re-evaluate what you love to do and focus on finding work that brings you joy.

In my opinion, this is a very gentle crisis.  We still have water, food, gas, housing, utilities, internet, phones, vehicles, etc.  When I look at other options (earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, bombs, etc.), this crisis is gentle.  Yes, we will have some economic pain going forward, but it is inevitable because the systems (monetary, economic, etc.) no longer work for the times we are moving into and must be reinvented.  They must become more balanced and equitable to all beings.  The control and manipulation by people/organizations that want to keep people in fear and enslaved for their own profit is over.  They are putting forth some last ditch efforts to try to keep that control, but it won’t work.  Humanity has woken up enough and hopefully this crisis will continue to wake people up.  We will not go back to sleep.

Please, my friends, please don’t play into the fear and panic.  That feeds the energies that want to keep humanity under their control.  Now is the time to STAND IN YOUR POWER.  We have the opportunity to make a huge change on this earth as long as we stand up and claim our power and state what we want the world to become…more loving, more compassionate, helping one another, cooperation vs. competition, joyful, fun, creative.  YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM.  If you can bring yourself to balance and calm (quiet your mind) and then look at your situation from a higher vantage point, you will see that all of Life conspires in your favor.  What you are experiencing, whether painful or joyful, is there to show you your next steps.  Resistance and attachment bring pain.  Flow and surrender bring relief and allow for an opening so great, you will be amazed at the results.

This past year I have looked at many of my beliefs, some of them I have carried with me for lifetimes.  I am still working to open my heart more, to show the world who I am at the core.  I know who that is, but there has been a belief that I have carried that if I open fully and completely, someone or something will either take my power or force me to misuse my power in ways that would hurt people.  I built a rigidness and structure around that belief for protection, which at one point probably served me well, however the times are different and it is time to let go of that belief.  Once I learn to stand FULLY in my power, I know that no one and no thing can touch me.  The vibrations won’t match.

We all have the Christ Consciousness within us.  It is a matter of declaring it, believing it and living it.  In order to do that fully, we must cleanse our body, mind, and heart of false beliefs and untruths.  All of our external world is a mirror for us to see what we need to clear and shift.   I recently watched an episode of Missing Links on  – Season 3 (Episode 4) with host Gregg Braden and he talked about the mirrors our world give us.  Our experiences in life are mirror to show us either:

1) what we have that within ourselves (i.e. anger, pain)
2) what we are judging in others or
3) what our soul is seeking to return to us (with things we admire or desire).

So all my dear friends and world family, please don’t panic.  Don’t fear.  Stand in your power.  Speak your truth.  Don’t let the external world dictate your peace or mood.  As you surrender and release the control that we so vehemently want to maintain (which does not serve us), watch how your life unfolds.  We may not see the bigger picture now, but it is a really great outcome.  It can be quick if we surrender or it could be a bit longer and more painful if we have a lot of resistance.  You get to choose.  Sending blessings, peace and love.

“Getting in balance is not so much about adopting new strategies to change your behaviors, as it is about realigning yourself in all of your thoughts so as to create a balance between what you desire and how you conduct your life on a daily basis.”

— Wayne Dyer

Self Love

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”
 – Buddha

We are almost six weeks into the new year, 2019.  In the past, each year I have diligently written out New Year’s Resolutions.  This year I did not really need to write them out.  There were only two and they are pretty simple:  1) learn to REALLY love myself and 2) smile more.

Even through all my “working on myself”, I have days that I feel so, so down.  It is as if I wake up in a despair and I just don’t know what is the cause.  Some days I wake up happy and some days I wake up and I just know that it is going to be “one of those days”.  There is nothing “wrong” with the day, with my situation, with life, or with my circumstances, but I just feel so heavy and overwhelmed.  I have figured out some things that sometimes help, such as getting out in nature (I have an amazing park by my house), exercising, doing a fast or detox or simply screaming my lungs out and then allowing whatever it is to release through a barrage of tears.  Our physical bodies really ARE 1/3rd of our total dynamic, along with the mind and the spirit and I can feel better by allowing a release from the physical body, but then I wake up again and feel the same way.

Well, that is how I USED to feel.  For about three weeks now, I have felt peaceful, and even in certain situations when I used to feel anxiety or overwhelm, I don’t feel that anymore.  I cannot tell you the exact reason why I have felt good or at least “normal”, but I can wager a few guesses.   First, I think setting the intention to love myself no matter what has really shifted my perspective.  I don’t need to judge myself or beat myself up for not performing or making a mistake.  I simply forgive myself and move on.  Next, I  think that the Total Lunar Eclipse on January 8th was pretty powerful.  I am not an expert on astronomy or astrology, but I do feel that being the third total lunar eclipse in the series was bringing some pretty amazing new “love” energies to earth.  Third, I had an A-M-A-Z-I-N-G sound healing session with Irene Ingalls who has Seattle Sound Temple in Seattle.  During the session, I was relaxed and did not really “see” or even “know” anything through my intuition, but she “saw” and “knew” and there were some pretty amazing love energies present.  All I know is that for the three days after the session, I felt a lot of love for  everyone and everything, myself included.  That extra special “love” feeling is not at the level it was for those three days, but I still feel at peace and connected.

What is this all teaching me?  First that I cannot really love others and share from my heart unless I open it fully and love myself first.  Self love opens the heart.  After I set my New Year’s Resolution of complete Self Love, it is amazing how this topic has come into my life in so many ways.  I love watching Patricia Cota-Robles’ weekly vlogs (video blog).  Here are links to her latest two. Vlog 100 – How do you truly feel about yourself? (scroll down for Vlog 100) and Vlog 101 – How our relationships are reflecting how we feel about ourselves.  What is the topic?  Self Love and how what shows up in our relationships reflects how we love (or don’t love) ourselves.    I read Anita Moorjani’s book, Dying to be Me, which was recommended by a friend.  What is the topic?  Self Love.

I also realize that how I love myself truly reflects back to me in my relationship with my partner and family.  The more I love myself, the less critical I am of others, the more patience I have for life circumstances, and the more joy I find with my kids.  After so many years of healing, I truly believe Self Love is the key.  Often masters or spiritual teachers will say the answer is very simple, and it is.  It is definitely not always easy, but it is very simple.  Love Thyself.

I encourage you to take one week, or even start with one day, and only talk kindly to yourself.  Pretend you were talking to a little 3-year old and she or he was scared and feeling bad.  How would you treat the child?  Wouldn’t you try to comfort her/him?  Would you give the child a hug?  You have an inner child that has been wounded and that inner child needs compassion and love.  Love that child. You are loving yourself.  As  you make that inner child feel safe, you can let down the guard and love yourself even more.  If you let your mind beat yourself up and judge yourself, just forgive yourself and remember to comfort the child.  Every moment is a new moment.

We have been conditioned into thinking we are not worthy, we are not enough, and we are “selfish” if we put our needs first.  Believe me, you are not “helping” others if you are not loving yourself first.  When you give all your energy to others, then your “giving” turns into resentment, bitterness and anger within yourself.  You are looking externally for “appreciation” that you are not getting and you get even more frustrated.  Try giving yourself some appreciation.  Give yourself what you give others and feel happy doing so.  Put yourself first and watch how you become more compassionate, loving and giving toward others with no “strings attached”.

As I write this, I realize that St. Valentine’s Day is tomorrow.  While you are sharing love with others, please don’t forget yourself.  It all starts with you and when you give yourself love, you are loving all of Life.

“You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”
– Louise L. Hay

love and accept

As Above, So Below

As Above So Below

I recently had a discussion with a good friend about life, its meaning and how do we make sense of what goes on in the world.  She had been feeling like, “What is the point?”. She wants answers. “What is the point?” is a question that I think every human asks at some point in their life.  As we were talking, a huge question (and possibly a realization) arose within me. I have heard spiritual teachers talk about, “As Above, So Below”. I never really understood that, but I accepted it as something like this:  We humans “As Below” are a reflection of Heaven/God/Creator/Universe/Unified Field (you pick your word) which is the “As Above”. I great up Catholic and we learned that we are created in the image of God (“As Above”), which I take to mean that we (“As Below”) would have the same gifts, abilities and free will as God.  In the Lord’s Prayer, there is also a part that says, “on Earth as it is in Heaven”, which I also seem to take the same meaning as, “As Above, So Below.” Some people have explained “As Above, So Below” as, “the microcosm reflects the macrocosm”, which to me really explains the same thing. The Earth is the microcosm of “Heaven/Cosmos/Universe/Macrocosm/Above”  (once again, you pick your word), which is the macrocosm.

I looked up the quote online and found this quote by Hermes Trismegistus.

“As above, so below, as within, so without, as the universe, so the soul…”

I have already learned by experience and understand “As Within, So Without” but still the “As Above, So Below” and the part, “As the Universe, So the Soul” is still baffling me.

Here is my huge question (and possibly realization).  If that is true, “As Above, So Below”, “the microcosm reflects the macrocosm” and “on Earth as it is in Heaven”, then Above/Macrocosm/Heaven may not be perfect?  Was there some choice made in the “Above/Macrocosm/Heaven” that created the chaos and is reflected here on Earth? Here we go down a rabbit hole, because then comes the question, what does “perfect” mean?  Is our experience here, no matter how painful or destructive, “perfect”? Was it by design? Was the choice that was made in “Above/Macrocosm/Heaven” actually made on purpose to see what it would be like to feel “separate” from the whole?  Did we make that choice, since there is a part of us still in “As Above” since we are multidimensional beings? Or, was it simply an error, a mistake, a simple thought that manifested by accident? There are theories that there have been many different civilizations on Earth and many “Golden Ages” of “Heaven on Earth” for hundreds of thousands of years.  Our civilization did not just begin 10,000 years ago. Humans have been around much longer than that.

I believe that as we move into the new Age of Aquarius, which is another Golden Age, that we can create Heaven on Earth.  However, does that first need to be created in “Above/Macrocosm/Heaven”? Or is it already created and is just waiting for us humans, here in the physical plane to magnetize it into our physical experience through our thought, desires and intentions?

More questions:  Does the creation in “Above/Macrocosm/Heaven” instantly reflect in “Below/Microcosm/Earth”? Or is there a lag because we live in a time/space continuum and in “Above/Macrocosm/Heaven” there is no time, so that makes this question irrelevant?  Could we instantly create if we were outside of time and space?

Another belief I hold is that this physical world is not the “real” world.  The “real” world is where we live eternally. It is where our souls come from before we are born and where they go to after we die. Earth is simply a place to experience and learn from duality.  When we are living in constant joy and bliss and love (“Above”), how do we even know what that is without experiencing the opposite of joylessness, pain and hate (“Below”), but if “As Above, So Below” is true as I understand it, then is there joylessness, pain and hate “Above”?  I don’t think so, but it leaves me confused.

If there really is no time and the past, present and future are happening simultaneously, then maybe the negative/denser emotions/feelings/beliefs are not allow in “Above/Macrocosm/Heaven” and so we have to keep coming back here to earth until we clean up our energetic mess, but then what is “Above/Macrocosm/Heaven”?  How did the negative emotions/feelings/beliefs get here in the first place if “As Above, So Below”? As we do our “clean-up work” or healing, are we healing the past, present and future, transmuting all parts of us back into the pure love energy that we are? Are we here to call all the fragmented parts of us back to the whole?

I could propose question after question and talk this in circles and circles.  I think it is what philosophers have discussed since the beginning of time. Will we ever know how it really is, what is the truth?  Or is reality simply what each different person perceives it to be? Going back to the discussion with my friend, she is so frustrated because she wants to KNOW THE TRUTH.

Wow, I confused myself even more after writing this.  This post is really only full of questions. I don’t know how it really is.  I have some theories and ideas, but I think they are only that, theories and ideas.  I think the actual reality is too big for our minds to even comprehend, but we like to think about it.   I don’t have to know and that is what faith and trust is all about.

I am so grateful to have friends that I can have these kinds of discussions with.  I am grateful that they are actually thinking about these things. I will continue on my healing journey, in full faith and trust that the end outcome is going to be beyond amazing and spectacular, without any clue as to when/how it will happen (in the NOW, of course).  If you read this far, congratulations on your perseverance. Wishing you love, joy, peace and abundance to fill your life.

“As above, so below, as within, so without, as the universe, so the soul…”

— Hermes Trismegistus

What is Your Mirror?

Mt Shasta July 2018

Summer is wrapping up and we are getting ready for school to start for the kids.  This summer was an energetic whammy for me. I had many emotional ups and downs, but not based on anything in particular.  I spent a lot of time in a “hibernation” mode, even though that is typically a wintertime activity. There was a three-part eclipse series and I know that was bringing a lot of energy to Earth and it heightened many people’s sensitivities.  I think the biggest lesson I learned is that there is nothing outside of myself that will bring me the joy that I seek (or happiness, but to me joy and happiness are different things). In fact, there is nothing external in my life that is not a mirror for what I have inside myself.  This is the same for every person on Earth.

One very happy new beginning, which also demonstrates this principle, is with my partner and how we feel with each other.  I shared some of what I was going through in this blog Matters of the Heart, as far as not being able to open up to my partner completely and I had always felt a resistance to doing so.

I have continued to see the Energy Medicine practitioner and we are continuing to clear out the belief that I held/hold in every single charka, “I don’t feel safe to open to my beloved.”  The first clearing from the Heart Chakra was shared here.

The next chakra we were working on was the Solar Plexus (Power) Chakra.  As we got into it, another past life arose in which I was the mother of my husband (in this life).  It was during the Victorian Age (or sometime when women wore those kinds of dresses). My son (husband in this life) was mentally challenged.  I don’t know if he had Down’s Syndrome or some other syndrome. He was a very joyful child and always wanted to hug and kiss me, climbing on my lap, etc.  I could not handle it and I felt resistance and even repulsion to that. I had my place in society and he did not fit in. I sent him away to live with another family, but he would come back to visit and want the same kind of attention.  I felt a huge amount of guilt as a mother, but I just could not deal with it. My son felt totally rejected and as a mother, I also felt resistance and repulsion. Both of us held those respective energies and carried them over to this life.  I have come to believe that what is not totally forgiven and resolved in a past life, you bring into your next incarnation for healing. The energy needs to be transmuted back into the Divine energy of which it is and always was. It just got distorted.

While we were clearing the energy out of the chakra, the spirit of that boy (my current husband) came into the session for closure.  I did not see/feel his energy but the practitioner did. I gave him a hug (in my imagination), told him I was sorry and practiced Ho’oponopono, which is Hawaiian forgiveness practice, in which you say, “I love you.  I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.” He was carrying the “rejection” energy and the practitioner could feel it leaving his energy field. After the rejection energy was gone, his spirit left the session. I was also consciously forgiving myself and the guilt/repulsion/resistance was leaving my energy field.

These stories are so “far out” and there is no way to validate the details or even the story, except through what changes I see in my life.   This healing and clearing was like flipping a switch for us. I no longer felt resistance to my husband. I no longer felt an aversion to his affection or love.  He no longer felt rejected or pushed away. It was as if all of that just melted away, in an instant. The feelings or emotions just were no longer there.

What is very interesting about this is because he was carrying “rejection” energy, I had no option but to mirror that back to him.  Because I was carrying “resistance/repulsion” energy, he had no option but to mirror that back to me.

There is NOTHING in your external world that is not a mirror for what you are holding within yourself.  It is really hard to believe and to trust that, but it is a Law of the Universe. It takes trust, self compassion, love and acceptance of responsibility for your own energy to take action steps to shift the energy.

We like to blame or make claims like:

“If my relationship was better, I would be happy.”
“If I made more money, I would be happy.”
“If I was not so busy and had more time to rest, I would be happy.”
“If THEY did not do THAT, then I would be happy.”

We are chasing the external world and believing if we can change it, we would be happy.  If this changes or if that changes, THEN I will be happy. Not true. You might feel satisfied for a minute, then it is the next thing that we start chasing hoping it will fill us up.  It won’t. It never will. That is what I am learning.

I thought that if I could just “fix” my relationship, I would feel full and joyful.  Well, my relationship is fixed and it is better than ever. It is amazing, actually and I feel supported and loved and I can give that back to him.

So why do I still cry for no reason?  Why do I still feel a disconnect with who I AM really? How do I open my heart to myself? How do I know my True Self?  That, my friends, is what this journey of life is all about. This remembrance of who our True Self is, is the ONLY reason our souls choose to be here on Earth.  We must transmute/purify all of the Divine energy we were gifted that we misused and we must do it here on Earth in these bodies. The body is what is carrying that misused and mis-created energy in our cells.

We don’t always need to know what the “story” of the energy is, but we do need to clear out the emotion that holds the energy in place.   We can do this by starting to observe ourselves. What triggers us? What are the patterns we see in our daily life? What emotions come up often?  What is showing up in our external lives that is not bringing us joy? This is an exercise in observation of Self and then forgiveness.

I am still observing mySelf.   What can you observe about yourSelf and then take responsibility to forgive yourself and others, have compassion for yourSelf, love yourSelf and know that as you heal yourSelf, you are healing the collective consciousness.  Our earth and external world will shift, both individually and collectively as you do your healing work. Thank you for the work you are doing. Please call on the Beings of Light that are supporting our transformation. They are always there to help when you ask. Much gratitude and love is being sent your way.  You are loved.  Thank you.

“You do not see the world as it is. You see it as you are.” –Anais Nin

Manifesting and the Magic Potato Plant

I want to share three short stories that I find very valuable and are teaching me about manifesting. One just happened a few days ago and involved my youngest son and a potato plant.


In late April, Mateo (my six-year-old) and I were planting the vegetable garden. He loves to plant seeds, water them, watch them grow and then harvest the produce. We planted carrots, zucchini, cucumbers, green beans and kale. We had a bit of space left in the SW corner of the garden and I asked him what he wanted to plant. “Potatoes!” he said with gusto, but I did not have any seed potatoes.  About a week later we went to Swanson’s Nursery to see if we could get some seed potatoes. “It is too late in the season, we don’t have any,” was their reply.  Mateo picked out some romaine lettuce to plant instead. We did not plant the lettuce in the SW corner, which we left empty.

About the same time the other vegetables started coming up (maybe a week later), we saw a plant start to come up in the SW corner. To me, it looked like a potato, so I told the boys not to pull it out when they were weeding. It was in the exact spot that we wanted to plant the potatoes, centered perfectly and everything. I could not figure out how a potato would be planted there. The year before, we had some potatoes, but they were not planted in that section. We also had purchased some new dirt to reconstitute the soil, but it was mostly woodchips and I don’t think a potato would be mixed in.  I firmly believe that the belief and desire of a child manifested a potato plant, right where he wanted to plant it. To me, it is a miracle and definitely not a coincidence. In this story, the conditions of manifestation were: pure joy, unbridled enthusiasm and belief.

Magic Potato


From the book, “E-Squared: Nine Do-It-Yourself Energy Experiments That Prove Your Thoughts Create Your Reality” by Pam Grout, I was doing “Experiment # 4” (Chapter 7 from the book), to magnetized something into my life. Pam Grout refers to it as “The Abracadabra Principle: Whatever you focus on expands”. The instructions for Experiment #4 said to set a goal of 48 hours and magnetize something into your life.

Below is I wrote in my journal, with the dates, for what I wanted to manifest and also how it happened:

10/5/17 I intend to manifest a new cheese shredder (for the kitchen), one of the square ones that stand up in the next 48 hours. 10/6/17 1:43pm: Holy Smokes! OH MY GOSH! I was talking to my neighbors over the fence and what did one of them have in his hand? A SQUARE SHREDDER FOR THE KITCHEN, THE RECTANGLE KIND THAT STANDS UP. I asked him what they were going to do with it and he said “Donate it”. Mind you, it was the ONLY thing he had in his hand. I asked if I could have it and told him about the manifesting exercise. Accomplished!!

In this story, I believe the condition of manifestation was: non-attachment. I sent the request out the Universe (with feeling) and then forgot about it. I really could have cared less if I received the cheese shredder. They are around $10 on Amazon. I was not attached to the outcome in any way whatsoever. I was not trying to control “how” the shredder manifested. I released control and trusted and did not even think about it anymore. Inadvertently (by not caring if I got it or not), I allowed the intelligence of the Universe to choose the way it manifested.


After growing up in rural Minnesota and going to college in MN, in 1996-97 I spent a year in Germany. Upon returning in 1997 I started working at Accenture (Andersen Consulting at that time) in Minneapolis. I knew that I wanted to live in a different state or abroad or somewhere other than Minnesota for a while. I knew it and felt it deep within. I did not know how or when, but I knew I was not going to live in Minnesota forever. In 1999, a friend moved to Seattle and we stayed in touch. He said the company he was working for was hiring (during the .com tech boom). I interviewed, was hired and moved to Seattle in September 1999. I still live here. In this story, the condition of manifestation was: belief with a deep knowing (and it took 2 years).

To sum up some of my lessons about manifestation:

  1. Have an unbridled excitement and joyful feeling with a belief that you already have what you are desiring or a strong knowing (without a doubt) that it will happen. I believe that your feeling or emotion is the biggest signal to the Universe to you send what you desire.
  2. Have non-attachment to the outcome and release control. You are not able to specify to the Universe the “how”. That is trying to control and being attached to the outcome. For me, this is the hardest part and when I try to specify “how” or control it, my desire does not manifest.  Don’t “need” it.
  3. Have a deep belief or knowing (deep feeling) that it will come to you or is already manifested.

There are books and books written about the “Law of Attraction”, and many articles on the internet about the topic. I am still learning about this Law and definitely don’t have it mastered. However, here is a little exercise for you to gauge your feeling (and show yourself) about the importance of feeling and emotion with manifesting.

1) Think about something you don’t like and feel the emotion of it. How much negative emotion is there? How does it feel? How reactive do you get? How much resistance do you have? My guess is there is a lot of emotion and feeling (Manifestation!).

2) Now, think about what you would like to replace that thing/situation with. How much positive emotion is there? How much feeling is there that it is already existing and created? Or, is there doubt and is your mind saying, “Yeah, right. Not me. That won’t ever happen to me.” (Belief!).  If we can all learn to put as much feeling and emotion into what we DO want to create vs. what we DON’T want, we will see change.

3) Now re-write that thing that you don’t like into the positive or affirmative AND also in the present tense. For example, if you said, “I don’t want to have achy joints anymore” for the thing that you don’t like, now reframe and say, “Thank you joints for feeling healthy and strong.” To manifest, you must believe it, you must not be attached to the outcome, you must have a lot of emotion and feeling and it must be in the present tense (the eternal moment of now).  You must persist until your subconscious believes that is the truth.

The reason that the “thing” that you don’t like is there in the first place is because it has received more attention and thought and feeling than its opposite (what you do want).  Much of the attention and thought given to what you don’t want is conditioning from society, family, habits, etc.  Whatever your true belief is, is what will manifest.

I believe that we are all the creators of our own reality, even if I have not always figured out exactly how to shift what is not working for me anymore.  We are constantly manifesting, and if we are not consciously manifesting, we are on auto-pilot and allowing our subconscious patterns and beliefs to manifest for us.  The reason affirmations don’t always work is because the underlying feeling and (subconscious) belief does not believe it is true.

Will you start to practice consciously creating and manifesting with me?  It takes committment and practice and for me, some trial and error!  Please join me for the creation journey.

“Think the thought until you believe it, and once you believe it, it is.” Abraham Hicks


What Do You Stand “For”?

What do you stand for?

“Blacks are not the enemy.
Cops are not the enemy.
Muslims are not the enemy.
Hate is the enemy.
Let’s join hands against hate.”

This sign is in my neighborhood and I drive by it often and each time I see it, it does not feel good to me. I wonder how we could change the world if we just changed our perception and the wording on this sign? What is this message really saying? I interpret it as resistance (“against”), separation (“calling out the groups”), anger (“hate”). How about the sign, “Black lives matter”. Yes, they do. And so do Native lives, White lives, Hispanic lives, Asian lives, and ever single living being on earth. It is time to start seeing all Human Beings as one big human family and not as separate. When we can do this in our heart, the violence, wars and hate will vanish from our lives and from our planet.

Wouldn’t it be more inclusive and have a better feeling vibration if we could re-word the sign to say:

“Humans are our friends.
Animals are our friends.
Plants are our friends.
Love is our Ally.
Let’s join hands for Love and Peace.”

Read the first sign from the picture and then read the alternative and just sit for a minute and see how that feels in your body. Your heart knows. Can you feel the difference?

That is the change we must make in our daily lives. Our words matter. Our perceptions matter. Our thoughts matter. Our actions matter. We matter. The feelings and emotions we put out there matter because they add to the collective consciousness of our earth. The chaos in our world is reflecting our collective consciousness (which you and me and your neighbor are all creating).  We, as a group, called forth the current president with our collective consciousness, even if you did not specifically vote for him.  You can make a difference and improve your experience of the world by changing your own consciousness. Every single thought and feeling matters. YOU matter.

Have you ever heard the saying, “What you resist, persists.” It is Universal Law. Whatever we are “against” will persist. In the sign above, the wording and feeling is actually invoking the “hate” to persist.

Part of invoking change is also allowing what is and surrendering to it, which means don’t resist what is. This does not mean that we don’t stand up for what we believe in. We can invoke change by talking about what we are “for” instead of what we are “against”.

My goal is to keep this blog experiential, meaning that I need to experience it in order to write about it.

I have many small examples of allowing “what is” to “just be” and then seeing changes. One of my biggest allowances was to just accept that I had colitis and stop fighting it. When I surrendered to it, it healed. I was “for” my health instead of “against” the colitis.

Another surrender was with my son. It seemed like he was always pushing my buttons on purpose. When I surrendered and stopped trying to control, he changed. Actually, it was me that changed, but my internal change lead to an external change. In my perception, my life was so much more peaceful. I was “for” a peaceful home instead of “against” a type of behavior.

With my partner, when I surrendered all responsibility for his journey and trying to control what he did based on how I wanted things to be, I felt such a relief. I was “for” freedom and sovereignty instead of “against” his beliefs or actions.

I, by no means have this all figured out and there are other changes that I am making in my life to experience something different, which is what this journey is all about. Every day, I remind myself what I stand “for”, what I desire to create in my life and the world by feeling it and stating it in the affirmative. Let’s shift the energy from negativity (against) to positivity and hope (for). Will you also join me in affirming what you stand “for”?

The world is a projection of our collective consciousness. If our collective consciousness reaches that place of peace, harmony, laughter and love, it will be a different world.– Deepak Chopra

Matters of the Heart

Do you think your physical heart actually stores memories? Likes? Dislikes?
Joys? Fears? I don’t mean the energetic heart chakra, I mean our physical blood pumping heart. I believe it does. I am sure you have heard the stories of a person who has received a heart transplant and then started loving classical music or drinking beer or having cravings for certain things they did not even like before. The changes in preferences was then corroborated by the donor’s family, that indeed, the donor liked or disliked those things.

If the heart stores memories and the memories were “heart breaking” or painful, how does our mind or body deal with that if we have not healed that hurt? From my experience, for safety, we close our heart (now I am talking about the energetic heart chakra that allows the life force energy to flow into our physical and energetic bodies). We do this through the mind (ego) in order to protect ourselves. At this closure of the heart, new protective patterns get set into place and are often the driving force in situations in our lives, however we don’t consciously know what is driving our situation and sometimes we don’t even consciously pay attention to our own behaviors. Instead, we blame others for our life circumstances.

I believe an open heart is the key to living a joyous life. I am working on healing and opening my heart and sometimes I feel a lot of resistance, which is my mind (ego) trying to protect me from getting hurt because it has memory of past hurt.

How protected is your heart? How much do you allow yourself to feel or how vulnerable are you willing to be? As I am progressing on my journey and becoming more conscious of my actions and feelings, I realized that my heart was not open to my love partner, nor has it been fully open to any love partnership (at least in this lifetime and probably many others). I thought it was, but it wasn’t. I don’t have any problem temporarily opening my heart to a stranger or a very good friend because they are safe (or so I believe), but to open completely to my lover, nope.

Since late 2014, I have been working with an Energy Medicine practitioner, who focuses on clearing the chakras. Initially I went to see her for assistance in the healing of my colitis (which was helpful). Depending on what you choose to work on, she will help you identify the belief that you hold in your chakras around that issue and assist in clearing it. I recently started working with her on the clearing the belief, “I don’t feel safe to open to my beloved.” I have felt for a long time that I am not able to open to my partner completely and fully. When we are intimate, if I initiate it, all is well because then I am in control. If he initiates it, I clam up and don’t feel like it, but would sometimes just override that to keep peace. However, he felt it and so did I.

The first chakra that the Energy Medicine practitioner was called to work on for that belief was my heart chakra. As she was feeling into the different layers (each chakra has 7 layers), she felt a lot of resistance coming from me and was called to go directly to the 7th layer, which is about past lives and generational patterns.

Please note what I am sharing came through the practitioner’s “filter” when she felt into my heart chakra and some of it may be allegory (or just think of it as a story to illustrate a point if you don’t believe in past lives). A past life came up during the time of the Mayas (or ancient civilization in Mexico). I was a female and in a place of power in the community. I had a male partner who I loved dearly with all my heart and was completely open to him in heart, mind, body and soul. He also loved me, but he loved power more. He decided that if he killed me, he would be more powerful, so he killed me and then cut my heart out. I don’t have all the details regarding that past life, but that heartbreak and fear was etched in my heart and was carried through many lifetimes and is coming up in this lifetime to finally be healed. I am healing it. First, through awareness of my actions and feelings. Second, through forgiveness. Finally, through loving my heart and letting my heart know I understand that it experienced pain long, long ago but I am safe now. I no longer need to keep my heart closed for protection. My heart (or maybe the ego mind) believed that if I open my heart completely, I will be killed and that it is not safe.

For this particular belief, “I don’t feel safe to open to my beloved”, I hold it in every single chakra, so I have some work to do. Now that it is on my radar, I can consciously choose to release it from my physical heart cells and transmute the emotions of fear, panic, anxiety, sadness, grief, anger and rage that hold this belief in place. By transmuting those emotions, it will open up so much for space in my heart cells for love and light. As I do this work, it is giving me greater freedom to open completely and feel safe and I am so ready for that! It takes a lot of energy to protect yourself and your heart. I would rather use that energy elsewhere.

I challenge you to look into your lovely heart and see what situations cause you to withhold love or to protect your heart. Look for the patterns in your life (especially the ones you want to blame someone else for) and see how you are protecting yourself. Ask your Guides, Higher Self, God, Divine, Universe or whatever higher power resonates with you for assistance in healing your heart. They will answer, just listen and do not be attached to how the answer shows up. Blessings to your beautiful heart today and always.

Gift from the universe after I was contemplating healing my heart.

I found this leaf on my path after I was sitting in the park contemplating the healing of my heart. We have signs in nature all the time to support us in our journey. Thank you, thank you, thank you to our Creator and all the Beings of Light who are supporting us.

The door to your heart opens inwardly. Only you can open it. –Dragos Bratasanu


I have thought about turning my website ( into a place to share our spiritual journeys for a long time.  I finally had a fire of motivation and wrote my first blog, but I have not had the courage a) to write what is deep in my heart or 2) to send out invites or invite people to “follow” me yet.  I have so much to share and so many ideas about what to write about, but “what will people think” that know me only in one capacity: as a real estate agent or as a mom of one of their kid’s friends or as my husband’s bookkeeper or even as the spiritual seeker?  I realized that this is my own distrust of myself.  In order to grow, one must be willing to be vulnerable and be themselves.  So, this is me.  However you see me will be filtered through your own perception, but I have decided to be vulnerably me.  Even as I write that, I can feel the stress in my body.  It is quite interesting because there are tears, irritability and I feel the stress.  I feel it viscerally in my body.  It feels unsafe.  There is a part of me that is saying, “The heck with it.  I don’t have to do this.  Who will it help?  No one will read it anyway.  Who really cares.  People will just think I am a “new age” nut job.  It will be a lot of work.  What will my husband say?  Will he even read it?  Will I even want him to read it?”

All of those feelings about being vulnerable to the people that I know and who know me.  If you were all perfect strangers and had no pre-conceived notion of who I was, I would not care.  I could be who I am and you would not know the difference.  I do have a group of people who I feel very comfortable with “just being me” and I love them dearly.  They are not the ones that I am afraid to send the invite to (and I thank you my dear friends for your support).

My son just came into my office (the 11 year old) and asked me what I was working on.  I told him I was writing a Blog and his response was, “you don’t seem like the kind of person who would write a blog.”  See what I mean?  Who really knows me?  Who have I even LET really know me?  When he came in, I wanted to close my screen so he could not read what I was writing.  Why?  What am I afraid of?  That he would judge me?  That he would think I was more nuts than he already thinks I am?

I feel really sad writing this because I thought I was past this stuff.  I have just gone through a really difficult situation which required me to stand in my power and I did so.  It was difficult for me, but I did it.  And now here I am, giving my power away to other people’s perceptions (which I don’t even know what other people’s perceptions are…I am just making it up in my head!).    See what we do to ourselves?  Why?  Why do we do it?

I can do some Ho’oponopono to myself.  I love you.  I am sorry.  Please forgive me.  Thank you.

My lifetime goal is to clear my emotional body, my mental body and my physical body of the past trauma’s from this lifetime or past lifetimes (all brought together in this lifetime) in order to live Heaven on Earth in this moment. This is not at all what I expected when I sat down to write about vulnerability, but I guess this is helping me clear whatever fear needs to be cleared around this topic.

For that I am grateful to my guides, to my guardian angels, to all the beings of Light that are serving Mother Earth and all of humanity evolving on her and to myself.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.

Now I need to push the “Publish” button quickly.

Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.
— Brené Brown


The Healing Journey Begins

In March 2017, I attended a retreat that changed my life. Starting in 2007, when my oldest son was only seven months old, I came home from a trip visiting family in Minnesota and three days later I had gut wrenching pains and diarrhea.  The pain and frequent bowel movements just never went away. I had a colonoscopy in 2007 and my colon was inflamed and I was diagnosed with proctitis. I was not offered any advice but to apply a cortisone cream, which did not help. I put up with the “IBS”, for lack of a better diagnosis, for so long, it turned into colitis, which was my official diagnosis in 2012 after another colonoscopy.  I asked my gastroenterologist if a change in my diet might help.  She said, “There is no evidence that a change in diet makes a difference with colitis.”  She also told me, “There is no known cause for colitis and no known cure.” All I can offer you is an immune suppressant drug. At that time I was breastfeeding my third child and I am not a fan of medication of any kind, so I declined. However, her words did not resonate with me. How could there be no “cause” for this and how could there also be no “cure”.  How could diet not matter?  I just did not believe it. How could that possibly be?  That is when my real healing journey began.  I was determined to heal my body and in the process I embarked upon a journey to heal my soul.

The appointment with the gastroenterologist was the last appointment I have ever had with a MD (medical doctor) to this day. I learned that we know our bodies better than anyone. I am happy to welcome the support and advice of a MD or ND or any other practitioner when needed, but the advice needs to be filtered through my “Truth Meter” first. We are all responsible for our own healing journey, whether it be physical, emotional, mental or spiritual. As a generalization, society has given away their power to too many people, whether it is their pastor, their doctor or even their psychic.  I had a pattern of giving away my power for many years, and probably many lifetimes. I had one big (and hopefully final) lesson to learn about giving away my power and learning to trust myself, which I will get to later in the story.

In my quest for self healing, I tried everything that any one suggested and also did my own research.  I did many different diets eliminating many foods…the Specific Carbohydrate diet, the Paleo diet, taking out all the major allergens:  gluten, dairy, soy, corn, peanuts, sugar, etc.  In 2012, my baby son had a severe diaper rash from the day he was born.  After about a month, I figured it must be something I was eating because he was only on breastmilk.  In that process, I found out he was gluten intolerant and also dairy did not sit well with him.  When I took those two items out of my diet, his diaper rashes went away.  My son is 6 now and I still have kept him off gluten and he is mostly off dairy, except for an occasional indulgence, which sometimes gives him eczema on his hands almost immediately (it turns red first).  I digress…

Other things I did besides diet change in my quest for self-healing:  clean my bowel (colonic irrigation), a parasite cleanse with herbs, 6 months of liver and gallbladder flushes (that was not that fun but made a huge difference and I would recommend it), taking certain supplements or raw foods (apple cider vinegar, raw garlic, etc.) and many different types of energetic healing (NAET, Energy Medicine, EFT, Chiropractic, etc.).  After many years of trying things, I do believe (not scientifically proven, because the stool tests were negative) that parasites were my original cause.  They stuck around and really impaired my gut lining.  I believe that many more people in the USA have parasites than the MD’s believe.  When I asked my GI about it, she said that unless I travelled outside the country, it was not likely.  I believe that I had liver flukes, intestinal flukes and tapeworms.  The GI ordered a stool test to look for the ova, but that turned up negative, which they often do, even if someone has parasites.  That being said, the mental cause of parasites, according to Louise Hay’s “Heal Your Body” book is “Giving your power to others.  Letting others take over.”  As I progressed in my healing journey, I realized that had been the case, so it makes sense that I would attract parasites, which it turns out I was host to both physical parasites as well as energetic parasites.

My physical healing journey started in 2012.  As I started reading and learning, I started realizing that we are more than this physical body and hence my spiritual journey also began.  I merged the physical and the spiritual healing and through the years and all the techniques, diets and methods I tried, I was 95% healed.  In 2016, there were still 5% of symptoms hanging on that just did not want to go away no matter what I did.  Through a tele-summit (online guest speakers) called “Healing with the Masters” I heard of a program that guides you to eat specifically for your body type, PH360 (  I signed up.  Through that program, I heard that PH360 offered retreats.  I was in such a state of overwhelm in my life, I just wanted a vacation and to get away for as long as I could, so I picked a seven day retreat (vs. the five day retreat) that was in Mexico in March 2017.  Little did I know, the seven day retreat was a spiritual healing retreat (Numinatus) vs. the physical wellness retreat (PH360).

As soon as I signed up for the retreat, the rest of my physical symptoms just went away.   I did not realize this right away, but one day I noticed that I did not have the physical symptoms anymore and I was not doing anything different.  The Divine works in mysterious ways to get us to follow the path that we are supposed to be on.  The Divine is always conspiring in our favor and everything that happens is for our highest good, even if we don’t think so at the time.

As I stated at the opening of this story, the retreat in March 2017 changed my life.  The retreat was put on by Numinatus ( and Matt Riemann, who also is a key player in PH360 (  I went to the retreat in a state of stress and overwhelm.  I had three little kids at home, working a full-time real estate career, was doing most of the household work, was office manager for my husband’s business and was also doing bookkeeping for another business.  I look back on what I was doing at the time and I don’t know how I managed.  No wonder I was sick.

After the healing retreat, I actually felt joy, or what I thought was joy.  I don’t even ever remember feeling joy in my life.  I had times when I was “happy” but it was fleeting.  The Numinatus Personal Healing Retreat focused on getting into your subconscious programs and changing them.  I met the most amazing people and really felt like I had found my Soul family.  I was so excited to be part of this group and to know the people on the “team” at the retreat, who were part of a program called Mini Magicians, led by Matt Riemann.  The leader of the group, Matt Riemann, really built trust with me.  He was able to see that I had a multi-dimensional mask on my face that did not let information in or out, which was blocking me from even seeing joy as a choice.  For years, I knew something was off because my face could never relax and I noticed it.  I had even asked one of the energetic healers why I could not relax my face when I was meditating.  It always felt like it held so much tension, especially in my forehead.  I know this sounds far-fetched, having a metaphysical mask on my face, but it felt and still feels true that it was indeed there.

At this time in my life, my husband and I were on a very rocky cliff.  We did not argue, but we never talked either.  I felt like I did everything (later to find out it was because I had to control everything).  I felt very, very disconnected.  I did not want to live like that anymore.  I asked him to attend a Numinatus Personal Healing retreat with me in Sedona, AZ thinking if these people could not help us, no one could.   I had that much trust in them.  My husband agreed.  We did open our communication and understanding of each other, but the retreat did not produce the same results for us that I felt it had for me when I was in Mexico.  We soon fell back into our old routine of making assumptions, not communicating and really living parallel lives in the same house.

The people I met on the retreats, who I felt were my Soul family (the “team” members)  were members of the first year (and first one ever) of the Modern Mystery School called Mini Magicians, which was started by Matt Riemann.  I was so excited to start the Mini Magicians program in October 2017.  I could not wait to start being with my embodied soul family more often.  The goal of the Mini Magicians program is to help open your intuitive gifts and move forward on your spiritual path, or so I thought that was the goal. That was my goal.

As part of the Mini Magicians program, there were a series of Numinatus Personal Healing retreats that we would go on as “team” to assist the retreat attendees with their experience.  It was the same kind of retreat I went on as a participant, twice, but now I was on the other side as a “team” member.  I helped on one retreat in Bali in November 2017 and then another one in Thailand in February 2018.  After the retreat in Thailand, I felt that there were some very discordant energies there.  I could not put my finger on it, but the “off” feeling was with the group, not necessarily with the participants, who had a wonderful experience at the retreat.

When I arrived home, I started getting feelings and many signs that maybe this group was not built on a pure intention to really help people, despite what the “lip service” was from the leader, Matt Riemann.

First, I had a dream, in which I won’t go into details, but Matt Riemann appeared to me and it was not like a normal dream.  It was that kind of realistic dream that you remember and you know it actually happened on a different plane.  Matt Riemann is very gifted and has knowledge of how to navigate the mental plane and the “unseen” world.  He was able to “see” the multidimensional mask I had on my face, which was very real.  I have no doubt that he knows how to astral travel and visit you in your space when you are most open (between 3am – 5am).  Unless you have strong boundaries and a strong intuitive sense when there is another energy in your space, often you don’t even know.  The dream was rather disturbing and made me think, “Hmmm, something is off with this dream” and it made me feel uncomfortable.

Next, I personally felt that we, the Mini Magicians group, were starting to be taken advantage of.  We (in the first and second year groups) all paid a lot of money (some to the tune of $25,000) to be part of the group and now many were being asked to do quite a bit of work for free and even on our own dime.  It was all couched as “totally voluntary” but there were a lot of people doing a lot of work for the organization all free because they believed in the mission of “healing the world”.  To me it never felt right.  I did not feel there was an equal energetic exchange for what was asked and what was given from Numinatus or PH360, but some really smart people were doing it.

Third, there was a lack of transparency regarding the entire program (Mini Magicians) and organization (Numinatus).  Matt Riemann never told us his full story.  He would not talk about how he got his gifts.  At the beginning, it seemed he was just being humble.  Now, I wonder if it was to keep people from asking too many questions?  The emails from Numinatus were never signed by a real person in communications, just “Your Numinatus Family”.  You never knew who you were communicating with to hold them accountable for what they said.  When we asked questions about how things were done or how decisions were made within Numinatus, we were made to feel like the questions were coming up because we had issues in our “mind” and any triggers we had regarding the lack of transparency or honesty were something we just needed to work on our “belief system” to resolve.

Fourth, there were alleged accusations of Matt being involved with women while having a long-time partner and at the same time having secret second partner (which was supposed to be a secret, but many in the group knew).   When he found out that I knew about several of these women, he very clearly told me that I was not to talk about it and that it was his business.  I was not to talk about his personal life.  He was very concerned about his image and that I did not talk about what I knew with other people.

I started to get the feeling that Matt Riemann was really overstepping boundaries into people’s mind space and some people’s personal space.  He knew how the mind worked and would be able to get people to do whatever he wanted to because they trusted him.  He had even told me that once someone trusted him, they would do anything he asked.  In thinking back to the conversations I had with him over the months, there were often very leading questions to find out where I stood on certain topics (sexuality, money, family life, etc.) and I believe it was to see to what extent I could be “used” to help him get what he wanted.  It all felt very covert and he is also very patient.

Because people had an amazing experience, whether it was at a retreat, a conference, or wherever, people put their full trust and faith in Matt and then he would use mind control and manipulation to get people to do things that he wanted them to do (sign up for a $25,000 program without even knowing what they were getting, do tons of work for free that a normal company would need to pay people to do, wire $25,000 to Hong Kong without even asking questions about why the money was going to Hong Kong, etc.).  Good people really liked the message of “healing the world” and they really want to get on board and help.  He also was able to facilitate an amazing feeling experience for people, build trust and then some very smart people would do things they normally would never do in different circumstances, without even a second thought.  That in itself has to make you wonder what is really going on.

Because I had seen many lives change (for the better) as did mine, I did not want to believe that Matt might not have a pure intent to really help people, but I kept getting signs from my intuitive friends outside of this group.  First, my husband had a dream that pointed to mind control and manipulation.  Next, my very intuitive best friend saw a video that he had done and said she energetically felt that he was not telling the truth and was being manipulative, like he was taking more than he was giving.  Third, another intuitive friend said that when I had invited her to a retreat, she felt manipulation and control through the website when she went to look at it and felt sick in her solar plexus.  Finally, two of the most committed members of the group withdrew and I knew something was going on then.

After having a conversation with Matt about the issues that bothered me about the Mini Magicians program (why people were working for free in his company, why there was no transparency in communications, why there was no real difference between the programs that people paid $10,000 for and $25,000, etc.) I was told I should have a session with one of the main retreat healers to work through my “importance” and “fairness” issues in my belief system.  The conversation I was having about “value” in my head was really due to a different underlying energetic belief that I had.  He said it was a low level of consciousness discussion and after my beliefs about “unfairness” and “importance” were dealt with, I would not have the need in my mind to justify “value”.

Matt has often portrayed to the group his belief that money does not matter, it is just energy (which it is), but he refused to refund any tuition if I decided to drop down to the $10,000 level (which actually was no different than the $25,000 level).  Later after others left Mini Magicians, he refused to refund anyone any portion of their $25,000 tuition.  The most amazing part is that very smart people just wired him $25,000 without even signing a contract outlining the terms!!  He also had offered commission to people who sold retreats, but in some instances, he did not pay that commission to them after their participants attended the retreats.  There have also been healers who stopped going to retreats because they were not paid.  Matt said he did not benefit from the money that came in and that Numinatus was a nonprofit, but if you look up, or, none of them are registered nonprofit corporations with the IRS.  He has .org websites, but are they really registered nonprofits?  Maybe in Australia, but I did not find any nonprofits registered there either.  Matt suggested to me that I was in Mini Magicians to be on a spiritual journey and that if I was focusing on money, money, money and value, then I would have a lesser spiritual journey because I was focused on money.  I was just asking him to clarify the reasoning between the two different levels.  He took no responsibility, which is his typical modus operandi.  He makes the questioner feel like whatever question comes up is their issue, he throws it back to them and makes them think their question was of a “lower consciousness”.

After my conversation with him at the beginning of April, 2017, about six months after joining the Mini Magicians group, I knew I needed to leave.  I love, love, love the group members and most of them are amazing, genuine people, but I also knew I had to go.  I have forgiven myself and also Matt Riemann.  I send love and ask for Divine grace for the entire situation.  Each of us is responsible for our own experience and the learning that comes with it.  I take responsibility for my decisions.  If you have some “Hmmm, that does not seem right” realization about any situation, pay attention.  That is your intuition speaking to you.  Don’t let you mind override your inner knowing.


I know that the experiences I had with the Mini Magicians group and the people I met were for a reason and for the highest good of my soul.  I know that this was a huge soul lesson for me to learn to not give my power away.  I had given my power away.  Through having the courage to speak with Matt about my concerns and then leaving, I was standing in my power.  I was speaking my truth.  Yes, there was a lot of anger that lead up to that decision, but after the decision was made, I felt a great peace.  I received such gifts out of this experience and such amazing wonderful friends.

I know that was exactly where I was supposed to be and exactly what I was supposed to experience.  When the time with Mini Magicians was complete, I received many external signs and a strong internal knowing that it was time to move on and I listened.  Our intuition and listening to our heart are our greatest gifts from the Divine and it is how our God-Self or Higher-Self speaks to us.  My heart is filled with gratitude.

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton