Vulnerability

I have thought about turning my website (CosmicSoulHealing.com) into a place to share our spiritual journeys for a long time.  I finally had a fire of motivation and wrote my first blog, but I have not had the courage a) to write what is deep in my heart or 2) to send out invites or invite people to “follow” me yet.  I have so much to share and so many ideas about what to write about, but “what will people think” that know me only in one capacity: as a real estate agent or as a mom of one of their kid’s friends or as my husband’s bookkeeper or even as the spiritual seeker?  I realized that this is my own distrust of myself.  In order to grow, one must be willing to be vulnerable and be themselves.  So, this is me.  However you see me will be filtered through your own perception, but I have decided to be vulnerably me.  Even as I write that, I can feel the stress in my body.  It is quite interesting because there are tears, irritability and I feel the stress.  I feel it viscerally in my body.  It feels unsafe.  There is a part of me that is saying, “The heck with it.  I don’t have to do this.  Who will it help?  No one will read it anyway.  Who really cares.  People will just think I am a “new age” nut job.  It will be a lot of work.  What will my husband say?  Will he even read it?  Will I even want him to read it?”

All of those feelings about being vulnerable to the people that I know and who know me.  If you were all perfect strangers and had no pre-conceived notion of who I was, I would not care.  I could be who I am and you would not know the difference.  I do have a group of people who I feel very comfortable with “just being me” and I love them dearly.  They are not the ones that I am afraid to send the invite to (and I thank you my dear friends for your support).

My son just came into my office (the 11 year old) and asked me what I was working on.  I told him I was writing a Blog and his response was, “you don’t seem like the kind of person who would write a blog.”  See what I mean?  Who really knows me?  Who have I even LET really know me?  When he came in, I wanted to close my screen so he could not read what I was writing.  Why?  What am I afraid of?  That he would judge me?  That he would think I was more nuts than he already thinks I am?

I feel really sad writing this because I thought I was past this stuff.  I have just gone through a really difficult situation which required me to stand in my power and I did so.  It was difficult for me, but I did it.  And now here I am, giving my power away to other people’s perceptions (which I don’t even know what other people’s perceptions are…I am just making it up in my head!).    See what we do to ourselves?  Why?  Why do we do it?

I can do some Ho’oponopono to myself.  I love you.  I am sorry.  Please forgive me.  Thank you.

My lifetime goal is to clear my emotional body, my mental body and my physical body of the past trauma’s from this lifetime or past lifetimes (all brought together in this lifetime) in order to live Heaven on Earth in this moment. This is not at all what I expected when I sat down to write about vulnerability, but I guess this is helping me clear whatever fear needs to be cleared around this topic.

For that I am grateful to my guides, to my guardian angels, to all the beings of Light that are serving Mother Earth and all of humanity evolving on her and to myself.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.

Now I need to push the “Publish” button quickly.

Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.
— Brené Brown

Beach

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