Balance, Opportunity, Surrender and Power

Today is the Spring Equinox.  It is a powerful day to focus on balance, as the light of day and dark of night are balanced.  Balance is much needed in our world right now.  Take a deep breath.  Release.  Take another deep breath and repeat out loud or in your heart, “My body, mind and heart are balanced.”  Do this until you feel some calm throughout your body.  The balance of light and dark brings a calm.  It is the center point.  It is the middle path.  If you sway too far to one side or the other, the opposite will swing you back like a pendulum to the other side until you can, with your awareness, bring your body, mind and heart back into balance.

I have not written on this blog for over a year, not because things have not been happening, but because I did not feel inspired to write.  I need inspiration to share.  This worldwide connection, or as some call “pandemic” has inspired me once again.  I personally feel a bubbling excitement and optimism, despite the fear and panic that is in the air (and yes, as an empath, I feel that too).

I see what is going on in the world right now as a huge opportunity and I feel very optimistic about what the outcomes will be, but it will take all of us to utilize the opportunity to change.

First let’s look at just some of the opportunities we can take from this:

  1. We are all connected. We are not separate from each other.  We are interconnected in such a way on the earth that if one country has an epidemic, it can quickly become a global pandemic.  Trade/supply chains are affected.  Travel is affected.  With our advances in technology, information sharing, education, etc. there is no way we can go back to each country “standing on its own”.  Closing borders is not going to change the fact that we are one body and one community, belonging to Mother Earth.  We are all the same and we all have the same untapped abilities, despite different races, cultures, ethnicities and beliefs.   This pandemic is showing us our interconnectedness and is giving everyone the opportunity to reach out and care for others via the internet, phone calls, etc.  I have seen more people “coming together” to help each other than I have seen since September 11th, 2001 (911).
  2. As a society we have been so busy “doing” and distracting ourselves from what is really important.  Now we have time to go internal and to look inside ourselves and see what is there.  Some are not going to like what they find, but it needs to be looked at and brought up to the surface to be acknowledged and healed.
  3. As we go internal, we will also find incredible creativity and new solutions. That surge in creativity and solutions will take us to the next step in creating a new world as this whole situation calms down.
  4. We get more time with our families. Maybe all that time running around being “busy” has taken a toll on family time.
  5. You now have time to read a book, take better care of your body or do things that you never had time to do before (or never made time to do…our priorities determine our how our time is spent).
  6. If you are out of work and you did not enjoy your work, you can re-evaluate what you love to do and focus on finding work that brings you joy.

In my opinion, this is a very gentle crisis.  We still have water, food, gas, housing, utilities, internet, phones, vehicles, etc.  When I look at other options (earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, bombs, etc.), this crisis is gentle.  Yes, we will have some economic pain going forward, but it is inevitable because the systems (monetary, economic, etc.) no longer work for the times we are moving into and must be reinvented.  They must become more balanced and equitable to all beings.  The control and manipulation by people/organizations that want to keep people in fear and enslaved for their own profit is over.  They are putting forth some last ditch efforts to try to keep that control, but it won’t work.  Humanity has woken up enough and hopefully this crisis will continue to wake people up.  We will not go back to sleep.

Please, my friends, please don’t play into the fear and panic.  That feeds the energies that want to keep humanity under their control.  Now is the time to STAND IN YOUR POWER.  We have the opportunity to make a huge change on this earth as long as we stand up and claim our power and state what we want the world to become…more loving, more compassionate, helping one another, cooperation vs. competition, joyful, fun, creative.  YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM.  If you can bring yourself to balance and calm (quiet your mind) and then look at your situation from a higher vantage point, you will see that all of Life conspires in your favor.  What you are experiencing, whether painful or joyful, is there to show you your next steps.  Resistance and attachment bring pain.  Flow and surrender bring relief and allow for an opening so great, you will be amazed at the results.

This past year I have looked at many of my beliefs, some of them I have carried with me for lifetimes.  I am still working to open my heart more, to show the world who I am at the core.  I know who that is, but there has been a belief that I have carried that if I open fully and completely, someone or something will either take my power or force me to misuse my power in ways that would hurt people.  I built a rigidness and structure around that belief for protection, which at one point probably served me well, however the times are different and it is time to let go of that belief.  Once I learn to stand FULLY in my power, I know that no one and no thing can touch me.  The vibrations won’t match.

We all have the Christ Consciousness within us.  It is a matter of declaring it, believing it and living it.  In order to do that fully, we must cleanse our body, mind, and heart of false beliefs and untruths.  All of our external world is a mirror for us to see what we need to clear and shift.   I recently watched an episode of Missing Links on  – Season 3 (Episode 4) with host Gregg Braden and he talked about the mirrors our world give us.  Our experiences in life are mirror to show us either:

1) what we have that within ourselves (i.e. anger, pain)
2) what we are judging in others or
3) what our soul is seeking to return to us (with things we admire or desire).

So all my dear friends and world family, please don’t panic.  Don’t fear.  Stand in your power.  Speak your truth.  Don’t let the external world dictate your peace or mood.  As you surrender and release the control that we so vehemently want to maintain (which does not serve us), watch how your life unfolds.  We may not see the bigger picture now, but it is a really great outcome.  It can be quick if we surrender or it could be a bit longer and more painful if we have a lot of resistance.  You get to choose.  Sending blessings, peace and love.

“Getting in balance is not so much about adopting new strategies to change your behaviors, as it is about realigning yourself in all of your thoughts so as to create a balance between what you desire and how you conduct your life on a daily basis.”

— Wayne Dyer

Self Love

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”
 – Buddha

We are almost six weeks into the new year, 2019.  In the past, each year I have diligently written out New Year’s Resolutions.  This year I did not really need to write them out.  There were only two and they are pretty simple:  1) learn to REALLY love myself and 2) smile more.

Even through all my “working on myself”, I have days that I feel so, so down.  It is as if I wake up in a despair and I just don’t know what is the cause.  Some days I wake up happy and some days I wake up and I just know that it is going to be “one of those days”.  There is nothing “wrong” with the day, with my situation, with life, or with my circumstances, but I just feel so heavy and overwhelmed.  I have figured out some things that sometimes help, such as getting out in nature (I have an amazing park by my house), exercising, doing a fast or detox or simply screaming my lungs out and then allowing whatever it is to release through a barrage of tears.  Our physical bodies really ARE 1/3rd of our total dynamic, along with the mind and the spirit and I can feel better by allowing a release from the physical body, but then I wake up again and feel the same way.

Well, that is how I USED to feel.  For about three weeks now, I have felt peaceful, and even in certain situations when I used to feel anxiety or overwhelm, I don’t feel that anymore.  I cannot tell you the exact reason why I have felt good or at least “normal”, but I can wager a few guesses.   First, I think setting the intention to love myself no matter what has really shifted my perspective.  I don’t need to judge myself or beat myself up for not performing or making a mistake.  I simply forgive myself and move on.  Next, I  think that the Total Lunar Eclipse on January 8th was pretty powerful.  I am not an expert on astronomy or astrology, but I do feel that being the third total lunar eclipse in the series was bringing some pretty amazing new “love” energies to earth.  Third, I had an A-M-A-Z-I-N-G sound healing session with Irene Ingalls who has Seattle Sound Temple in Seattle.  During the session, I was relaxed and did not really “see” or even “know” anything through my intuition, but she “saw” and “knew” and there were some pretty amazing love energies present.  All I know is that for the three days after the session, I felt a lot of love for  everyone and everything, myself included.  That extra special “love” feeling is not at the level it was for those three days, but I still feel at peace and connected.

What is this all teaching me?  First that I cannot really love others and share from my heart unless I open it fully and love myself first.  Self love opens the heart.  After I set my New Year’s Resolution of complete Self Love, it is amazing how this topic has come into my life in so many ways.  I love watching Patricia Cota-Robles’ weekly vlogs (video blog).  Here are links to her latest two. Vlog 100 – How do you truly feel about yourself? (scroll down for Vlog 100) and Vlog 101 – How our relationships are reflecting how we feel about ourselves.  What is the topic?  Self Love and how what shows up in our relationships reflects how we love (or don’t love) ourselves.    I read Anita Moorjani’s book, Dying to be Me, which was recommended by a friend.  What is the topic?  Self Love.

I also realize that how I love myself truly reflects back to me in my relationship with my partner and family.  The more I love myself, the less critical I am of others, the more patience I have for life circumstances, and the more joy I find with my kids.  After so many years of healing, I truly believe Self Love is the key.  Often masters or spiritual teachers will say the answer is very simple, and it is.  It is definitely not always easy, but it is very simple.  Love Thyself.

I encourage you to take one week, or even start with one day, and only talk kindly to yourself.  Pretend you were talking to a little 3-year old and she or he was scared and feeling bad.  How would you treat the child?  Wouldn’t you try to comfort her/him?  Would you give the child a hug?  You have an inner child that has been wounded and that inner child needs compassion and love.  Love that child. You are loving yourself.  As  you make that inner child feel safe, you can let down the guard and love yourself even more.  If you let your mind beat yourself up and judge yourself, just forgive yourself and remember to comfort the child.  Every moment is a new moment.

We have been conditioned into thinking we are not worthy, we are not enough, and we are “selfish” if we put our needs first.  Believe me, you are not “helping” others if you are not loving yourself first.  When you give all your energy to others, then your “giving” turns into resentment, bitterness and anger within yourself.  You are looking externally for “appreciation” that you are not getting and you get even more frustrated.  Try giving yourself some appreciation.  Give yourself what you give others and feel happy doing so.  Put yourself first and watch how you become more compassionate, loving and giving toward others with no “strings attached”.

As I write this, I realize that St. Valentine’s Day is tomorrow.  While you are sharing love with others, please don’t forget yourself.  It all starts with you and when you give yourself love, you are loving all of Life.

“You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”
– Louise L. Hay

love and accept

What is Your Mirror?

Mt Shasta July 2018

Summer is wrapping up and we are getting ready for school to start for the kids.  This summer was an energetic whammy for me. I had many emotional ups and downs, but not based on anything in particular.  I spent a lot of time in a “hibernation” mode, even though that is typically a wintertime activity. There was a three-part eclipse series and I know that was bringing a lot of energy to Earth and it heightened many people’s sensitivities.  I think the biggest lesson I learned is that there is nothing outside of myself that will bring me the joy that I seek (or happiness, but to me joy and happiness are different things). In fact, there is nothing external in my life that is not a mirror for what I have inside myself.  This is the same for every person on Earth.

One very happy new beginning, which also demonstrates this principle, is with my partner and how we feel with each other.  I shared some of what I was going through in this blog Matters of the Heart, as far as not being able to open up to my partner completely and I had always felt a resistance to doing so.

I have continued to see the Energy Medicine practitioner and we are continuing to clear out the belief that I held/hold in every single charka, “I don’t feel safe to open to my beloved.”  The first clearing from the Heart Chakra was shared here.

The next chakra we were working on was the Solar Plexus (Power) Chakra.  As we got into it, another past life arose in which I was the mother of my husband (in this life).  It was during the Victorian Age (or sometime when women wore those kinds of dresses). My son (husband in this life) was mentally challenged.  I don’t know if he had Down’s Syndrome or some other syndrome. He was a very joyful child and always wanted to hug and kiss me, climbing on my lap, etc.  I could not handle it and I felt resistance and even repulsion to that. I had my place in society and he did not fit in. I sent him away to live with another family, but he would come back to visit and want the same kind of attention.  I felt a huge amount of guilt as a mother, but I just could not deal with it. My son felt totally rejected and as a mother, I also felt resistance and repulsion. Both of us held those respective energies and carried them over to this life.  I have come to believe that what is not totally forgiven and resolved in a past life, you bring into your next incarnation for healing. The energy needs to be transmuted back into the Divine energy of which it is and always was. It just got distorted.

While we were clearing the energy out of the chakra, the spirit of that boy (my current husband) came into the session for closure.  I did not see/feel his energy but the practitioner did. I gave him a hug (in my imagination), told him I was sorry and practiced Ho’oponopono, which is Hawaiian forgiveness practice, in which you say, “I love you.  I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.” He was carrying the “rejection” energy and the practitioner could feel it leaving his energy field. After the rejection energy was gone, his spirit left the session. I was also consciously forgiving myself and the guilt/repulsion/resistance was leaving my energy field.

These stories are so “far out” and there is no way to validate the details or even the story, except through what changes I see in my life.   This healing and clearing was like flipping a switch for us. I no longer felt resistance to my husband. I no longer felt an aversion to his affection or love.  He no longer felt rejected or pushed away. It was as if all of that just melted away, in an instant. The feelings or emotions just were no longer there.

What is very interesting about this is because he was carrying “rejection” energy, I had no option but to mirror that back to him.  Because I was carrying “resistance/repulsion” energy, he had no option but to mirror that back to me.

There is NOTHING in your external world that is not a mirror for what you are holding within yourself.  It is really hard to believe and to trust that, but it is a Law of the Universe. It takes trust, self compassion, love and acceptance of responsibility for your own energy to take action steps to shift the energy.

We like to blame or make claims like:

“If my relationship was better, I would be happy.”
“If I made more money, I would be happy.”
“If I was not so busy and had more time to rest, I would be happy.”
“If THEY did not do THAT, then I would be happy.”

We are chasing the external world and believing if we can change it, we would be happy.  If this changes or if that changes, THEN I will be happy. Not true. You might feel satisfied for a minute, then it is the next thing that we start chasing hoping it will fill us up.  It won’t. It never will. That is what I am learning.

I thought that if I could just “fix” my relationship, I would feel full and joyful.  Well, my relationship is fixed and it is better than ever. It is amazing, actually and I feel supported and loved and I can give that back to him.

So why do I still cry for no reason?  Why do I still feel a disconnect with who I AM really? How do I open my heart to myself? How do I know my True Self?  That, my friends, is what this journey of life is all about. This remembrance of who our True Self is, is the ONLY reason our souls choose to be here on Earth.  We must transmute/purify all of the Divine energy we were gifted that we misused and we must do it here on Earth in these bodies. The body is what is carrying that misused and mis-created energy in our cells.

We don’t always need to know what the “story” of the energy is, but we do need to clear out the emotion that holds the energy in place.   We can do this by starting to observe ourselves. What triggers us? What are the patterns we see in our daily life? What emotions come up often?  What is showing up in our external lives that is not bringing us joy? This is an exercise in observation of Self and then forgiveness.

I am still observing mySelf.   What can you observe about yourSelf and then take responsibility to forgive yourself and others, have compassion for yourSelf, love yourSelf and know that as you heal yourSelf, you are healing the collective consciousness.  Our earth and external world will shift, both individually and collectively as you do your healing work. Thank you for the work you are doing. Please call on the Beings of Light that are supporting our transformation. They are always there to help when you ask. Much gratitude and love is being sent your way.  You are loved.  Thank you.

“You do not see the world as it is. You see it as you are.” –Anais Nin

Matters of the Heart

Do you think your physical heart actually stores memories? Likes? Dislikes?
Joys? Fears? I don’t mean the energetic heart chakra, I mean our physical blood pumping heart. I believe it does. I am sure you have heard the stories of a person who has received a heart transplant and then started loving classical music or drinking beer or having cravings for certain things they did not even like before. The changes in preferences was then corroborated by the donor’s family, that indeed, the donor liked or disliked those things.

If the heart stores memories and the memories were “heart breaking” or painful, how does our mind or body deal with that if we have not healed that hurt? From my experience, for safety, we close our heart (now I am talking about the energetic heart chakra that allows the life force energy to flow into our physical and energetic bodies). We do this through the mind (ego) in order to protect ourselves. At this closure of the heart, new protective patterns get set into place and are often the driving force in situations in our lives, however we don’t consciously know what is driving our situation and sometimes we don’t even consciously pay attention to our own behaviors. Instead, we blame others for our life circumstances.

I believe an open heart is the key to living a joyous life. I am working on healing and opening my heart and sometimes I feel a lot of resistance, which is my mind (ego) trying to protect me from getting hurt because it has memory of past hurt.

How protected is your heart? How much do you allow yourself to feel or how vulnerable are you willing to be? As I am progressing on my journey and becoming more conscious of my actions and feelings, I realized that my heart was not open to my love partner, nor has it been fully open to any love partnership (at least in this lifetime and probably many others). I thought it was, but it wasn’t. I don’t have any problem temporarily opening my heart to a stranger or a very good friend because they are safe (or so I believe), but to open completely to my lover, nope.

Since late 2014, I have been working with an Energy Medicine practitioner, who focuses on clearing the chakras. Initially I went to see her for assistance in the healing of my colitis (which was helpful). Depending on what you choose to work on, she will help you identify the belief that you hold in your chakras around that issue and assist in clearing it. I recently started working with her on the clearing the belief, “I don’t feel safe to open to my beloved.” I have felt for a long time that I am not able to open to my partner completely and fully. When we are intimate, if I initiate it, all is well because then I am in control. If he initiates it, I clam up and don’t feel like it, but would sometimes just override that to keep peace. However, he felt it and so did I.

The first chakra that the Energy Medicine practitioner was called to work on for that belief was my heart chakra. As she was feeling into the different layers (each chakra has 7 layers), she felt a lot of resistance coming from me and was called to go directly to the 7th layer, which is about past lives and generational patterns.

Please note what I am sharing came through the practitioner’s “filter” when she felt into my heart chakra and some of it may be allegory (or just think of it as a story to illustrate a point if you don’t believe in past lives). A past life came up during the time of the Mayas (or ancient civilization in Mexico). I was a female and in a place of power in the community. I had a male partner who I loved dearly with all my heart and was completely open to him in heart, mind, body and soul. He also loved me, but he loved power more. He decided that if he killed me, he would be more powerful, so he killed me and then cut my heart out. I don’t have all the details regarding that past life, but that heartbreak and fear was etched in my heart and was carried through many lifetimes and is coming up in this lifetime to finally be healed. I am healing it. First, through awareness of my actions and feelings. Second, through forgiveness. Finally, through loving my heart and letting my heart know I understand that it experienced pain long, long ago but I am safe now. I no longer need to keep my heart closed for protection. My heart (or maybe the ego mind) believed that if I open my heart completely, I will be killed and that it is not safe.

For this particular belief, “I don’t feel safe to open to my beloved”, I hold it in every single chakra, so I have some work to do. Now that it is on my radar, I can consciously choose to release it from my physical heart cells and transmute the emotions of fear, panic, anxiety, sadness, grief, anger and rage that hold this belief in place. By transmuting those emotions, it will open up so much for space in my heart cells for love and light. As I do this work, it is giving me greater freedom to open completely and feel safe and I am so ready for that! It takes a lot of energy to protect yourself and your heart. I would rather use that energy elsewhere.

I challenge you to look into your lovely heart and see what situations cause you to withhold love or to protect your heart. Look for the patterns in your life (especially the ones you want to blame someone else for) and see how you are protecting yourself. Ask your Guides, Higher Self, God, Divine, Universe or whatever higher power resonates with you for assistance in healing your heart. They will answer, just listen and do not be attached to how the answer shows up. Blessings to your beautiful heart today and always.

Gift from the universe after I was contemplating healing my heart.

I found this leaf on my path after I was sitting in the park contemplating the healing of my heart. We have signs in nature all the time to support us in our journey. Thank you, thank you, thank you to our Creator and all the Beings of Light who are supporting us.

The door to your heart opens inwardly. Only you can open it. –Dragos Bratasanu

The Healing Journey Begins

In March 2017, I attended a retreat that changed my life. Starting in 2007, when my oldest son was only seven months old, I came home from a trip visiting family in Minnesota and three days later I had gut wrenching pains and diarrhea.  The pain and frequent bowel movements just never went away. I had a colonoscopy in 2007 and my colon was inflamed and I was diagnosed with proctitis. I was not offered any advice but to apply a cortisone cream, which did not help. I put up with the “IBS”, for lack of a better diagnosis, for so long, it turned into colitis, which was my official diagnosis in 2012 after another colonoscopy.  I asked my gastroenterologist if a change in my diet might help.  She said, “There is no evidence that a change in diet makes a difference with colitis.”  She also told me, “There is no known cause for colitis and no known cure.” All I can offer you is an immune suppressant drug. At that time I was breastfeeding my third child and I am not a fan of medication of any kind, so I declined. However, her words did not resonate with me. How could there be no “cause” for this and how could there also be no “cure”.  How could diet not matter?  I just did not believe it. How could that possibly be?  That is when my real healing journey began.  I was determined to heal my body and in the process I embarked upon a journey to heal my soul.

The appointment with the gastroenterologist was the last appointment I have ever had with a MD (medical doctor) to this day. I learned that we know our bodies better than anyone. I am happy to welcome the support and advice of a MD or ND or any other practitioner when needed, but the advice needs to be filtered through my “Truth Meter” first. We are all responsible for our own healing journey, whether it be physical, emotional, mental or spiritual. As a generalization, society has given away their power to too many people, whether it is their pastor, their doctor or even their psychic.  I had a pattern of giving away my power for many years, and probably many lifetimes. I had one big (and hopefully final) lesson to learn about giving away my power and learning to trust myself, which I will get to later in the story.

In my quest for self healing, I tried everything that any one suggested and also did my own research.  I did many different diets eliminating many foods…the Specific Carbohydrate diet, the Paleo diet, taking out all the major allergens:  gluten, dairy, soy, corn, peanuts, sugar, etc.  In 2012, my baby son had a severe diaper rash from the day he was born.  After about a month, I figured it must be something I was eating because he was only on breastmilk.  In that process, I found out he was gluten intolerant and also dairy did not sit well with him.  When I took those two items out of my diet, his diaper rashes went away.  My son is 6 now and I still have kept him off gluten and he is mostly off dairy, except for an occasional indulgence, which sometimes gives him eczema on his hands almost immediately (it turns red first).  I digress…

Other things I did besides diet change in my quest for self-healing:  clean my bowel (colonic irrigation), a parasite cleanse with herbs, 6 months of liver and gallbladder flushes (that was not that fun but made a huge difference and I would recommend it), taking certain supplements or raw foods (apple cider vinegar, raw garlic, etc.) and many different types of energetic healing (NAET, Energy Medicine, EFT, Chiropractic, etc.).  After many years of trying things, I do believe (not scientifically proven, because the stool tests were negative) that parasites were my original cause.  They stuck around and really impaired my gut lining.  I believe that many more people in the USA have parasites than the MD’s believe.  When I asked my GI about it, she said that unless I travelled outside the country, it was not likely.  I believe that I had liver flukes, intestinal flukes and tapeworms.  The GI ordered a stool test to look for the ova, but that turned up negative, which they often do, even if someone has parasites.  That being said, the mental cause of parasites, according to Louise Hay’s “Heal Your Body” book is “Giving your power to others.  Letting others take over.”  As I progressed in my healing journey, I realized that had been the case, so it makes sense that I would attract parasites, which it turns out I was host to both physical parasites as well as energetic parasites.

My physical healing journey started in 2012.  As I started reading and learning, I started realizing that we are more than this physical body and hence my spiritual journey also began.  I merged the physical and the spiritual healing and through the years and all the techniques, diets and methods I tried, I was 95% healed.  In 2016, there were still 5% of symptoms hanging on that just did not want to go away no matter what I did.  Through a tele-summit (online guest speakers) called “Healing with the Masters” I heard of a program that guides you to eat specifically for your body type, PH360 (  I signed up.  Through that program, I heard that PH360 offered retreats.  I was in such a state of overwhelm in my life, I just wanted a vacation and to get away for as long as I could, so I picked a seven day retreat (vs. the five day retreat) that was in Mexico in March 2017.  Little did I know, the seven day retreat was a spiritual healing retreat (Numinatus) vs. the physical wellness retreat (PH360).

As soon as I signed up for the retreat, the rest of my physical symptoms just went away.   I did not realize this right away, but one day I noticed that I did not have the physical symptoms anymore and I was not doing anything different.  The Divine works in mysterious ways to get us to follow the path that we are supposed to be on.  The Divine is always conspiring in our favor and everything that happens is for our highest good, even if we don’t think so at the time.

As I stated at the opening of this story, the retreat in March 2017 changed my life.  The retreat was put on by Numinatus ( and Matt Riemann, who also is a key player in PH360 (  I went to the retreat in a state of stress and overwhelm.  I had three little kids at home, working a full-time real estate career, was doing most of the household work, was office manager for my husband’s business and was also doing bookkeeping for another business.  I look back on what I was doing at the time and I don’t know how I managed.  No wonder I was sick.

After the healing retreat, I actually felt joy, or what I thought was joy.  I don’t even ever remember feeling joy in my life.  I had times when I was “happy” but it was fleeting.  The Numinatus Personal Healing Retreat focused on getting into your subconscious programs and changing them.  I met the most amazing people and really felt like I had found my Soul family.  I was so excited to be part of this group and to know the people on the “team” at the retreat, who were part of a program called Mini Magicians, led by Matt Riemann.  The leader of the group, Matt Riemann, really built trust with me.  He was able to see that I had a multi-dimensional mask on my face that did not let information in or out, which was blocking me from even seeing joy as a choice.  For years, I knew something was off because my face could never relax and I noticed it.  I had even asked one of the energetic healers why I could not relax my face when I was meditating.  It always felt like it held so much tension, especially in my forehead.  I know this sounds far-fetched, having a metaphysical mask on my face, but it felt and still feels true that it was indeed there.

At this time in my life, my husband and I were on a very rocky cliff.  We did not argue, but we never talked either.  I felt like I did everything (later to find out it was because I had to control everything).  I felt very, very disconnected.  I did not want to live like that anymore.  I asked him to attend a Numinatus Personal Healing retreat with me in Sedona, AZ thinking if these people could not help us, no one could.   I had that much trust in them.  My husband agreed.  We did open our communication and understanding of each other, but the retreat did not produce the same results for us that I felt it had for me when I was in Mexico.  We soon fell back into our old routine of making assumptions, not communicating and really living parallel lives in the same house.

The people I met on the retreats, who I felt were my Soul family (the “team” members)  were members of the first year (and first one ever) of the Modern Mystery School called Mini Magicians, which was started by Matt Riemann.  I was so excited to start the Mini Magicians program in October 2017.  I could not wait to start being with my embodied soul family more often.  The goal of the Mini Magicians program is to help open your intuitive gifts and move forward on your spiritual path, or so I thought that was the goal. That was my goal.

As part of the Mini Magicians program, there were a series of Numinatus Personal Healing retreats that we would go on as “team” to assist the retreat attendees with their experience.  It was the same kind of retreat I went on as a participant, twice, but now I was on the other side as a “team” member.  I helped on one retreat in Bali in November 2017 and then another one in Thailand in February 2018.  After the retreat in Thailand, I felt that there were some very discordant energies there.  I could not put my finger on it, but the “off” feeling was with the group, not necessarily with the participants, who had a wonderful experience at the retreat.

When I arrived home, I started getting feelings and many signs that maybe this group was not built on a pure intention to really help people, despite what the “lip service” was from the leader, Matt Riemann.

First, I had a dream, in which I won’t go into details, but Matt Riemann appeared to me and it was not like a normal dream.  It was that kind of realistic dream that you remember and you know it actually happened on a different plane.  Matt Riemann is very gifted and has knowledge of how to navigate the mental plane and the “unseen” world.  He was able to “see” the multidimensional mask I had on my face, which was very real.  I have no doubt that he knows how to astral travel and visit you in your space when you are most open (between 3am – 5am).  Unless you have strong boundaries and a strong intuitive sense when there is another energy in your space, often you don’t even know.  The dream was rather disturbing and made me think, “Hmmm, something is off with this dream” and it made me feel uncomfortable.

Next, I personally felt that we, the Mini Magicians group, were starting to be taken advantage of.  We (in the first and second year groups) all paid a lot of money (some to the tune of $25,000) to be part of the group and now many were being asked to do quite a bit of work for free and even on our own dime.  It was all couched as “totally voluntary” but there were a lot of people doing a lot of work for the organization all free because they believed in the mission of “healing the world”.  To me it never felt right.  I did not feel there was an equal energetic exchange for what was asked and what was given from Numinatus or PH360, but some really smart people were doing it.

Third, there was a lack of transparency regarding the entire program (Mini Magicians) and organization (Numinatus).  Matt Riemann never told us his full story.  He would not talk about how he got his gifts.  At the beginning, it seemed he was just being humble.  Now, I wonder if it was to keep people from asking too many questions?  The emails from Numinatus were never signed by a real person in communications, just “Your Numinatus Family”.  You never knew who you were communicating with to hold them accountable for what they said.  When we asked questions about how things were done or how decisions were made within Numinatus, we were made to feel like the questions were coming up because we had issues in our “mind” and any triggers we had regarding the lack of transparency or honesty were something we just needed to work on our “belief system” to resolve.

Fourth, there were alleged accusations of Matt being involved with women while having a long-time partner and at the same time having secret second partner (which was supposed to be a secret, but many in the group knew).   When he found out that I knew about several of these women, he very clearly told me that I was not to talk about it and that it was his business.  I was not to talk about his personal life.  He was very concerned about his image and that I did not talk about what I knew with other people.

I started to get the feeling that Matt Riemann was really overstepping boundaries into people’s mind space and some people’s personal space.  He knew how the mind worked and would be able to get people to do whatever he wanted to because they trusted him.  He had even told me that once someone trusted him, they would do anything he asked.  In thinking back to the conversations I had with him over the months, there were often very leading questions to find out where I stood on certain topics (sexuality, money, family life, etc.) and I believe it was to see to what extent I could be “used” to help him get what he wanted.  It all felt very covert and he is also very patient.

Because people had an amazing experience, whether it was at a retreat, a conference, or wherever, people put their full trust and faith in Matt and then he would use mind control and manipulation to get people to do things that he wanted them to do (sign up for a $25,000 program without even knowing what they were getting, do tons of work for free that a normal company would need to pay people to do, wire $25,000 to Hong Kong without even asking questions about why the money was going to Hong Kong, etc.).  Good people really liked the message of “healing the world” and they really want to get on board and help.  He also was able to facilitate an amazing feeling experience for people, build trust and then some very smart people would do things they normally would never do in different circumstances, without even a second thought.  That in itself has to make you wonder what is really going on.

Because I had seen many lives change (for the better) as did mine, I did not want to believe that Matt might not have a pure intent to really help people, but I kept getting signs from my intuitive friends outside of this group.  First, my husband had a dream that pointed to mind control and manipulation.  Next, my very intuitive best friend saw a video that he had done and said she energetically felt that he was not telling the truth and was being manipulative, like he was taking more than he was giving.  Third, another intuitive friend said that when I had invited her to a retreat, she felt manipulation and control through the website when she went to look at it and felt sick in her solar plexus.  Finally, two of the most committed members of the group withdrew and I knew something was going on then.

After having a conversation with Matt about the issues that bothered me about the Mini Magicians program (why people were working for free in his company, why there was no transparency in communications, why there was no real difference between the programs that people paid $10,000 for and $25,000, etc.) I was told I should have a session with one of the main retreat healers to work through my “importance” and “fairness” issues in my belief system.  The conversation I was having about “value” in my head was really due to a different underlying energetic belief that I had.  He said it was a low level of consciousness discussion and after my beliefs about “unfairness” and “importance” were dealt with, I would not have the need in my mind to justify “value”.

Matt has often portrayed to the group his belief that money does not matter, it is just energy (which it is), but he refused to refund any tuition if I decided to drop down to the $10,000 level (which actually was no different than the $25,000 level).  Later after others left Mini Magicians, he refused to refund anyone any portion of their $25,000 tuition.  The most amazing part is that very smart people just wired him $25,000 without even signing a contract outlining the terms!!  He also had offered commission to people who sold retreats, but in some instances, he did not pay that commission to them after their participants attended the retreats.  There have also been healers who stopped going to retreats because they were not paid.  Matt said he did not benefit from the money that came in and that Numinatus was a nonprofit, but if you look up, or, none of them are registered nonprofit corporations with the IRS.  He has .org websites, but are they really registered nonprofits?  Maybe in Australia, but I did not find any nonprofits registered there either.  Matt suggested to me that I was in Mini Magicians to be on a spiritual journey and that if I was focusing on money, money, money and value, then I would have a lesser spiritual journey because I was focused on money.  I was just asking him to clarify the reasoning between the two different levels.  He took no responsibility, which is his typical modus operandi.  He makes the questioner feel like whatever question comes up is their issue, he throws it back to them and makes them think their question was of a “lower consciousness”.

After my conversation with him at the beginning of April, 2017, about six months after joining the Mini Magicians group, I knew I needed to leave.  I love, love, love the group members and most of them are amazing, genuine people, but I also knew I had to go.  I have forgiven myself and also Matt Riemann.  I send love and ask for Divine grace for the entire situation.  Each of us is responsible for our own experience and the learning that comes with it.  I take responsibility for my decisions.  If you have some “Hmmm, that does not seem right” realization about any situation, pay attention.  That is your intuition speaking to you.  Don’t let you mind override your inner knowing.


I know that the experiences I had with the Mini Magicians group and the people I met were for a reason and for the highest good of my soul.  I know that this was a huge soul lesson for me to learn to not give my power away.  I had given my power away.  Through having the courage to speak with Matt about my concerns and then leaving, I was standing in my power.  I was speaking my truth.  Yes, there was a lot of anger that lead up to that decision, but after the decision was made, I felt a great peace.  I received such gifts out of this experience and such amazing wonderful friends.

I know that was exactly where I was supposed to be and exactly what I was supposed to experience.  When the time with Mini Magicians was complete, I received many external signs and a strong internal knowing that it was time to move on and I listened.  Our intuition and listening to our heart are our greatest gifts from the Divine and it is how our God-Self or Higher-Self speaks to us.  My heart is filled with gratitude.

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton