Self Love

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”
 – Buddha

We are almost six weeks into the new year, 2019.  In the past, each year I have diligently written out New Year’s Resolutions.  This year I did not really need to write them out.  There were only two and they are pretty simple:  1) learn to REALLY love myself and 2) smile more.

Even through all my “working on myself”, I have days that I feel so, so down.  It is as if I wake up in a despair and I just don’t know what is the cause.  Some days I wake up happy and some days I wake up and I just know that it is going to be “one of those days”.  There is nothing “wrong” with the day, with my situation, with life, or with my circumstances, but I just feel so heavy and overwhelmed.  I have figured out some things that sometimes help, such as getting out in nature (I have an amazing park by my house), exercising, doing a fast or detox or simply screaming my lungs out and then allowing whatever it is to release through a barrage of tears.  Our physical bodies really ARE 1/3rd of our total dynamic, along with the mind and the spirit and I can feel better by allowing a release from the physical body, but then I wake up again and feel the same way.

Well, that is how I USED to feel.  For about three weeks now, I have felt peaceful, and even in certain situations when I used to feel anxiety or overwhelm, I don’t feel that anymore.  I cannot tell you the exact reason why I have felt good or at least “normal”, but I can wager a few guesses.   First, I think setting the intention to love myself no matter what has really shifted my perspective.  I don’t need to judge myself or beat myself up for not performing or making a mistake.  I simply forgive myself and move on.  Next, I  think that the Total Lunar Eclipse on January 8th was pretty powerful.  I am not an expert on astronomy or astrology, but I do feel that being the third total lunar eclipse in the series was bringing some pretty amazing new “love” energies to earth.  Third, I had an A-M-A-Z-I-N-G sound healing session with Irene Ingalls who has Seattle Sound Temple in Seattle.  During the session, I was relaxed and did not really “see” or even “know” anything through my intuition, but she “saw” and “knew” and there were some pretty amazing love energies present.  All I know is that for the three days after the session, I felt a lot of love for  everyone and everything, myself included.  That extra special “love” feeling is not at the level it was for those three days, but I still feel at peace and connected.

What is this all teaching me?  First that I cannot really love others and share from my heart unless I open it fully and love myself first.  Self love opens the heart.  After I set my New Year’s Resolution of complete Self Love, it is amazing how this topic has come into my life in so many ways.  I love watching Patricia Cota-Robles’ weekly vlogs (video blog).  Here are links to her latest two. Vlog 100 – How do you truly feel about yourself? (scroll down for Vlog 100) and Vlog 101 – How our relationships are reflecting how we feel about ourselves.  What is the topic?  Self Love and how what shows up in our relationships reflects how we love (or don’t love) ourselves.    I read Anita Moorjani’s book, Dying to be Me, which was recommended by a friend.  What is the topic?  Self Love.

I also realize that how I love myself truly reflects back to me in my relationship with my partner and family.  The more I love myself, the less critical I am of others, the more patience I have for life circumstances, and the more joy I find with my kids.  After so many years of healing, I truly believe Self Love is the key.  Often masters or spiritual teachers will say the answer is very simple, and it is.  It is definitely not always easy, but it is very simple.  Love Thyself.

I encourage you to take one week, or even start with one day, and only talk kindly to yourself.  Pretend you were talking to a little 3-year old and she or he was scared and feeling bad.  How would you treat the child?  Wouldn’t you try to comfort her/him?  Would you give the child a hug?  You have an inner child that has been wounded and that inner child needs compassion and love.  Love that child. You are loving yourself.  As  you make that inner child feel safe, you can let down the guard and love yourself even more.  If you let your mind beat yourself up and judge yourself, just forgive yourself and remember to comfort the child.  Every moment is a new moment.

We have been conditioned into thinking we are not worthy, we are not enough, and we are “selfish” if we put our needs first.  Believe me, you are not “helping” others if you are not loving yourself first.  When you give all your energy to others, then your “giving” turns into resentment, bitterness and anger within yourself.  You are looking externally for “appreciation” that you are not getting and you get even more frustrated.  Try giving yourself some appreciation.  Give yourself what you give others and feel happy doing so.  Put yourself first and watch how you become more compassionate, loving and giving toward others with no “strings attached”.

As I write this, I realize that St. Valentine’s Day is tomorrow.  While you are sharing love with others, please don’t forget yourself.  It all starts with you and when you give yourself love, you are loving all of Life.

“You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”
– Louise L. Hay

love and accept

Matters of the Heart

Do you think your physical heart actually stores memories? Likes? Dislikes?
Joys? Fears? I don’t mean the energetic heart chakra, I mean our physical blood pumping heart. I believe it does. I am sure you have heard the stories of a person who has received a heart transplant and then started loving classical music or drinking beer or having cravings for certain things they did not even like before. The changes in preferences was then corroborated by the donor’s family, that indeed, the donor liked or disliked those things.

If the heart stores memories and the memories were “heart breaking” or painful, how does our mind or body deal with that if we have not healed that hurt? From my experience, for safety, we close our heart (now I am talking about the energetic heart chakra that allows the life force energy to flow into our physical and energetic bodies). We do this through the mind (ego) in order to protect ourselves. At this closure of the heart, new protective patterns get set into place and are often the driving force in situations in our lives, however we don’t consciously know what is driving our situation and sometimes we don’t even consciously pay attention to our own behaviors. Instead, we blame others for our life circumstances.

I believe an open heart is the key to living a joyous life. I am working on healing and opening my heart and sometimes I feel a lot of resistance, which is my mind (ego) trying to protect me from getting hurt because it has memory of past hurt.

How protected is your heart? How much do you allow yourself to feel or how vulnerable are you willing to be? As I am progressing on my journey and becoming more conscious of my actions and feelings, I realized that my heart was not open to my love partner, nor has it been fully open to any love partnership (at least in this lifetime and probably many others). I thought it was, but it wasn’t. I don’t have any problem temporarily opening my heart to a stranger or a very good friend because they are safe (or so I believe), but to open completely to my lover, nope.

Since late 2014, I have been working with an Energy Medicine practitioner, who focuses on clearing the chakras. Initially I went to see her for assistance in the healing of my colitis (which was helpful). Depending on what you choose to work on, she will help you identify the belief that you hold in your chakras around that issue and assist in clearing it. I recently started working with her on the clearing the belief, “I don’t feel safe to open to my beloved.” I have felt for a long time that I am not able to open to my partner completely and fully. When we are intimate, if I initiate it, all is well because then I am in control. If he initiates it, I clam up and don’t feel like it, but would sometimes just override that to keep peace. However, he felt it and so did I.

The first chakra that the Energy Medicine practitioner was called to work on for that belief was my heart chakra. As she was feeling into the different layers (each chakra has 7 layers), she felt a lot of resistance coming from me and was called to go directly to the 7th layer, which is about past lives and generational patterns.

Please note what I am sharing came through the practitioner’s “filter” when she felt into my heart chakra and some of it may be allegory (or just think of it as a story to illustrate a point if you don’t believe in past lives). A past life came up during the time of the Mayas (or ancient civilization in Mexico). I was a female and in a place of power in the community. I had a male partner who I loved dearly with all my heart and was completely open to him in heart, mind, body and soul. He also loved me, but he loved power more. He decided that if he killed me, he would be more powerful, so he killed me and then cut my heart out. I don’t have all the details regarding that past life, but that heartbreak and fear was etched in my heart and was carried through many lifetimes and is coming up in this lifetime to finally be healed. I am healing it. First, through awareness of my actions and feelings. Second, through forgiveness. Finally, through loving my heart and letting my heart know I understand that it experienced pain long, long ago but I am safe now. I no longer need to keep my heart closed for protection. My heart (or maybe the ego mind) believed that if I open my heart completely, I will be killed and that it is not safe.

For this particular belief, “I don’t feel safe to open to my beloved”, I hold it in every single chakra, so I have some work to do. Now that it is on my radar, I can consciously choose to release it from my physical heart cells and transmute the emotions of fear, panic, anxiety, sadness, grief, anger and rage that hold this belief in place. By transmuting those emotions, it will open up so much for space in my heart cells for love and light. As I do this work, it is giving me greater freedom to open completely and feel safe and I am so ready for that! It takes a lot of energy to protect yourself and your heart. I would rather use that energy elsewhere.

I challenge you to look into your lovely heart and see what situations cause you to withhold love or to protect your heart. Look for the patterns in your life (especially the ones you want to blame someone else for) and see how you are protecting yourself. Ask your Guides, Higher Self, God, Divine, Universe or whatever higher power resonates with you for assistance in healing your heart. They will answer, just listen and do not be attached to how the answer shows up. Blessings to your beautiful heart today and always.

Gift from the universe after I was contemplating healing my heart.

I found this leaf on my path after I was sitting in the park contemplating the healing of my heart. We have signs in nature all the time to support us in our journey. Thank you, thank you, thank you to our Creator and all the Beings of Light who are supporting us.

The door to your heart opens inwardly. Only you can open it. –Dragos Bratasanu