Matters of the Heart

Do you think your physical heart actually stores memories? Likes? Dislikes?
Joys? Fears? I don’t mean the energetic heart chakra, I mean our physical blood pumping heart. I believe it does. I am sure you have heard the stories of a person who has received a heart transplant and then started loving classical music or drinking beer or having cravings for certain things they did not even like before. The changes in preferences was then corroborated by the donor’s family, that indeed, the donor liked or disliked those things.

If the heart stores memories and the memories were “heart breaking” or painful, how does our mind or body deal with that if we have not healed that hurt? From my experience, for safety, we close our heart (now I am talking about the energetic heart chakra that allows the life force energy to flow into our physical and energetic bodies). We do this through the mind (ego) in order to protect ourselves. At this closure of the heart, new protective patterns get set into place and are often the driving force in situations in our lives, however we don’t consciously know what is driving our situation and sometimes we don’t even consciously pay attention to our own behaviors. Instead, we blame others for our life circumstances.

I believe an open heart is the key to living a joyous life. I am working on healing and opening my heart and sometimes I feel a lot of resistance, which is my mind (ego) trying to protect me from getting hurt because it has memory of past hurt.

How protected is your heart? How much do you allow yourself to feel or how vulnerable are you willing to be? As I am progressing on my journey and becoming more conscious of my actions and feelings, I realized that my heart was not open to my love partner, nor has it been fully open to any love partnership (at least in this lifetime and probably many others). I thought it was, but it wasn’t. I don’t have any problem temporarily opening my heart to a stranger or a very good friend because they are safe (or so I believe), but to open completely to my lover, nope.

Since late 2014, I have been working with an Energy Medicine practitioner, who focuses on clearing the chakras. Initially I went to see her for assistance in the healing of my colitis (which was helpful). Depending on what you choose to work on, she will help you identify the belief that you hold in your chakras around that issue and assist in clearing it. I recently started working with her on the clearing the belief, “I don’t feel safe to open to my beloved.” I have felt for a long time that I am not able to open to my partner completely and fully. When we are intimate, if I initiate it, all is well because then I am in control. If he initiates it, I clam up and don’t feel like it, but would sometimes just override that to keep peace. However, he felt it and so did I.

The first chakra that the Energy Medicine practitioner was called to work on for that belief was my heart chakra. As she was feeling into the different layers (each chakra has 7 layers), she felt a lot of resistance coming from me and was called to go directly to the 7th layer, which is about past lives and generational patterns.

Please note what I am sharing came through the practitioner’s “filter” when she felt into my heart chakra and some of it may be allegory (or just think of it as a story to illustrate a point if you don’t believe in past lives). A past life came up during the time of the Mayas (or ancient civilization in Mexico). I was a female and in a place of power in the community. I had a male partner who I loved dearly with all my heart and was completely open to him in heart, mind, body and soul. He also loved me, but he loved power more. He decided that if he killed me, he would be more powerful, so he killed me and then cut my heart out. I don’t have all the details regarding that past life, but that heartbreak and fear was etched in my heart and was carried through many lifetimes and is coming up in this lifetime to finally be healed. I am healing it. First, through awareness of my actions and feelings. Second, through forgiveness. Finally, through loving my heart and letting my heart know I understand that it experienced pain long, long ago but I am safe now. I no longer need to keep my heart closed for protection. My heart (or maybe the ego mind) believed that if I open my heart completely, I will be killed and that it is not safe.

For this particular belief, “I don’t feel safe to open to my beloved”, I hold it in every single chakra, so I have some work to do. Now that it is on my radar, I can consciously choose to release it from my physical heart cells and transmute the emotions of fear, panic, anxiety, sadness, grief, anger and rage that hold this belief in place. By transmuting those emotions, it will open up so much for space in my heart cells for love and light. As I do this work, it is giving me greater freedom to open completely and feel safe and I am so ready for that! It takes a lot of energy to protect yourself and your heart. I would rather use that energy elsewhere.

I challenge you to look into your lovely heart and see what situations cause you to withhold love or to protect your heart. Look for the patterns in your life (especially the ones you want to blame someone else for) and see how you are protecting yourself. Ask your Guides, Higher Self, God, Divine, Universe or whatever higher power resonates with you for assistance in healing your heart. They will answer, just listen and do not be attached to how the answer shows up. Blessings to your beautiful heart today and always.

I found this leaf on my path after I was sitting in the park contemplating the healing of my heart. We have signs in nature all the time to support us in our journey. Thank you, thank you, thank you to our Creator and all the Beings of Light who are supporting us.

The door to your heart opens inwardly. Only you can open it. –Dragos Bratasanu

Vulnerability

I have thought about turning my website (CosmicSoulHealing.com) into a place to share our spiritual journeys for a long time.  I finally had a fire of motivation and wrote my first blog, but I have not had the courage a) to write what is deep in my heart or 2) to send out invites or invite people to “follow” me yet.  I have so much to share and so many ideas about what to write about, but “what will people think” that know me only in one capacity: as a real estate agent or as a mom of one of their kid’s friends or as my husband’s bookkeeper or even as the spiritual seeker?  I realized that this is my own distrust of myself.  In order to grow, one must be willing to be vulnerable and be themselves.  So, this is me.  However you see me will be filtered through your own perception, but I have decided to be vulnerably me.  Even as I write that, I can feel the stress in my body.  It is quite interesting because there are tears, irritability and I feel the stress.  I feel it viscerally in my body.  It feels unsafe.  There is a part of me that is saying, “The heck with it.  I don’t have to do this.  Who will it help?  No one will read it anyway.  Who really cares.  People will just think I am a “new age” nut job.  It will be a lot of work.  What will my husband say?  Will he even read it?  Will I even want him to read it?”

All of those feelings about being vulnerable to the people that I know and who know me.  If you were all perfect strangers and had no pre-conceived notion of who I was, I would not care.  I could be who I am and you would not know the difference.  I do have a group of people who I feel very comfortable with “just being me” and I love them dearly.  They are not the ones that I am afraid to send the invite to (and I thank you my dear friends for your support).

My son just came into my office (the 11 year old) and asked me what I was working on.  I told him I was writing a Blog and his response was, “you don’t seem like the kind of person who would write a blog.”  See what I mean?  Who really knows me?  Who have I even LET really know me?  When he came in, I wanted to close my screen so he could not read what I was writing.  Why?  What am I afraid of?  That he would judge me?  That he would think I was more nuts than he already thinks I am?

I feel really sad writing this because I thought I was past this stuff.  I have just gone through a really difficult situation which required me to stand in my power and I did so.  It was difficult for me, but I did it.  And now here I am, giving my power away to other people’s perceptions (which I don’t even know what other people’s perceptions are…I am just making it up in my head!).    See what we do to ourselves?  Why?  Why do we do it?

I can do some Ho’oponopono to myself.  I love you.  I am sorry.  Please forgive me.  Thank you.

My lifetime goal is to clear my emotional body, my mental body and my physical body of the past trauma’s from this lifetime or past lifetimes (all brought together in this lifetime) in order to live Heaven on Earth in this moment. This is not at all what I expected when I sat down to write about vulnerability, but I guess this is helping me clear whatever fear needs to be cleared around this topic.

For that I am grateful to my guides, to my guardian angels, to all the beings of Light that are serving Mother Earth and all of humanity evolving on her and to myself.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.

Now I need to push the “Publish” button quickly.

Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.
— Brené Brown